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Word Gems exploring self-realization, sacred personhood, and full humanity
Postscript
Elenchus. I have learned from Spirit Guides, via psychic-medium, that Krissi, for most of her life, has been suffering from bipolar disorder. In my brief readings on this malady, I've discovered that "psychosocial factors play a significant role in the development and course of bipolar disorder... [traumatic] life events and relationships likely contribute to the onset" of this illness. It means that when she and I had that falling-out when we were young teens, resulting in her refusal to even look at me during our remaining time in school, much of that hurtful experience may have triggered the bipolar condition.
For me, it's all very strange. I still don't know who she is.
A long time ago, I told her she reminded me of the song “Devil Or Angel”, with the lyric “be whichever you are.” I wasn’t in an altogether charitable frame of mind when I said this, and she wasn’t totally happy with the allusion.
She and I have unfinished business; things to make clear to each other.
After all that's been discussed, I still don't really know what represented her truest feelings and what part was an impaired health condition.
Would you like to know what I remember most in all of our talks? It’s what you said during a happier time of our lives... E. So, tell me – if “meet me in the middle” leaves you cold, what would you rather see? it is enough K. I need to know I can trust the fellow who's asking to sleep with me. Trust is number one. I want him not just as my lover but as my steadfast and trustworthy friend and guide. I want him to serve my highest and best interests, all the time, no days off, no vacations, no excuses, no smile-and-a-handshake schmoozing, no giving-to-get, no techniques, no tactics, just put me as 'priority one' in all his thinking, even if it’s not to his short-term advantage, and even if I disagree with him. I want to be able to trust him, and rely on him, for my life and my eternal life, and, when his vision is very clear, I want him to act unilaterally, without prompting, to do what's best for me - even if I fight him on this. There is good reason why Socrates said that one's most valuable possession is a true and faithful friend. And I’m not interested, at all, not a farthing's worth, in some shallow and self-serving “meet me in the middle” sophism, some stingy counting-out-the-pennies “50-50” negotiation. I can get that in any mercenary business deal. What do I look like, the Teamsters haggling out some contract? - hardly, my dear. There'll be no bargaining with me, I'll tell you that right now. I want it lavish, lavish for me, all on my side. I want it splurged, overflowing, and dripping. I want it sloppy and juicy and all-you-can-eat at the dessert bar. What I want is someone who'll give me 100% of his life, 100% of his best, 100% of his plans and projects, all that he has, all that he is, all that he will ever be, in this world and the next. I don't want much from him, I just want everything, and I want it with a cherry on top, and a chocolate kiss on my pillow, and I want him to surrender all this, to me, just to me, willingly and with joy, with no strings attached. And I want him to shout it from the rooftops, for all the world to hear, that he is mine, all mine, that he wants me, just me, with no reservations and no loopholes. I want him to worship and adore me, to bend the neck and pay tribute, to offer fealty and obeisance - to want me more than his last breath, to cherish and treasure me as his 'pearl of great price'. I want him to want me to such degree that, if my love were all that he had in life, or would ever have in eternal life, he would pledge to God, “It is enough, who could ask for, or receive, anything more?” And when I find that special one, thus moved to action, consecrated to my benefit, for my account, then, I will offer him, not just the same but more - a Kama-Sutra reciprocity of personalized pleasures reified; a swooning array of ecstasies, just what he likes; a plenitude of unspoken desires actualized, what he didn't even know he liked - all crafted to address his unique definitions of the luscious and delicious, his unconfessed dreams and secret fantasies; all these, my goddess gifts to him, my surrendered tokens of absolute allegiance, devotion, and ardency, for our total immersion darling companionship. But our conversation here occurred some time ago.
There’s an old proverb warning of the fragile nature of one's reputation. 'said you had a thing or two to tell me, how was I to know you would upset me' One can lose a good reputation, another’s sense of trust in you – what may have taken 30 years, 50 years, to build – one can lose all this in just five minutes with one vicious attack, or even one equivocal lukewarm response; or, much worse, an untoward giving of oneself to another.. The true love relationship, at the foundational level, is not built on sex appeal but trust. You can get sex anywhere; go to any bar, you can get it tonight. But trust, the kind you can build your life around, will cost a few dollars more. What we really want to know is, “Can I trust you to safeguard my life, and not use me for some secondary purpose? Can I trust you to put me number one above all other goals and pleasures in your life?” Stated differently: Is each "enough" for the other? - or are there false idols competing with true love? true love and trust will reflect one's essential life-force One's worthiness of trust will reflect one's essential life-force, part of the "true self". It cannot be constructed or generated with willpower or determination; instead, it must be allowed to manifest and actualize. Genuine trustworthiness is a form of authentic goodness which naturally flows, percolates upward, from the depths, when one's deeper person is aligned with the God-life within. We are headed for Summerland. They say that true love cannot be unrequited there; that those who are meant for each other always find each other. Why do I doubt this? I doubt this because you betrayed me. You gave yourself to another.
late-night confessions: the 3 AM spectre If Krissi were here, I would address her this way: I imagine you trying to offer explanation. I think you'd be saying you were too conflicted, too burdened, too drained of energy, to offer word of apology or explanation; even just a word asking me to wait until duties were satisfied, or the coming of a new world - that one good word, the one you never sent, might have sustained me until later. Despite your purported inner conflict, however, you did, in fact, find enough energy, were quite able and resourceful, to get a message through which vilified and disrespected me. You were strong enough for that. Remember the creeds we learned as little kids? We had to memorize words which went over our heads: the "sins of omission" - but now we know what that means. spectacular unkindness, outrageous accusation Though long ago, the open wounds from that famous spectacular unkindness - you know the one - still refuse healing; the outrageous accusation and threat continue to dishearten and poison at 3 AM; the ghastly memory of calumny still drains chilled blood from the head and serves as greatest temptation toward resentment and unforgiveness. What is wrong with you? 'oh, yes, you told me, and that's when it hurt me' stockholm syndrome You enable those who exploit you. In your own stockholm syndrome, you side with ignoble captors -- these candidates for dark-realm sentencing, carnival hawkers of buffoonery, deceit, and abuse. You strengthen their hands. your Faustian bargain, a strange coalition with everything you always hated, and so not like you A Faustian bargain is an agreement, such that, one surrenders what one knows to be moral and right, a bartering away of one’s soul-based highest principles, in favor of some dubious short-term worldly benefit. This ill-advised assent - to what you disdain - quickly became self-defeating as the traded-away wealth constituted far more value than the negotiated-for glass bauble. It is the proverbial Esau allowing himself to be cajoled into exchanging future inheritance and wealth, a lifetime of happiness and well-being, for a mere bowl of soup.
You believed you needed something; as you saw it, you weren't whole without it, couldn't be happy in its absence. It was like the “Rhythm Of The Rain” song, “the only girl I ever loved has gone away, looking for a brand new start.” That "brand new start" became the greatest error and misery of your life. In defiance of your deeper guidance and good sense, you traded your dignity and freedom, your right to self-management -- for the soup-of-the-day -- needs a little salt, doesn't taste right.
Esau Selling His Birthright (1626), Hendrick Terbrugghen
'bought and sold you' - the fall of the good little girl What was your Faustian "benefit"? What did you trade for? - that is, trade me for? those trading negotiations conducted in opposition to the inner-whispering assurance that, one day, we, you and I, would finally address unfinished business. Did you believe that a studied docility, a muting of sensibilities, the adoption of a “good little girl” obeisance, would curry favor with an unjust, humorless, and angry god? Did they convince you that this straw-god would condemn you for noncompliance concerning their draconian, self-serving, man-made dogma? Is this how they controlled and enslaved you, bought and sold you? – and made you stay -- with their psychological warfare of guilt and intimidation. all that I knew you to be, thought well of, and admired so much And how utterly anomalous that you, especially you, should make alliance with the boorish and vulgar, the loutish and oafish, the cloddish paint-by-numbers anti-intellectual rabble -- you, the diligent and assiduous honor student, paragon of high standard and lofty aspiration; you, the personification of excellent spirit; and how antithetical to your sensitive nature, one of grace, loveliness, and virtue -- all that I knew you to be and admired so much -- you, the quintessential aesthete, patron of all things cultivated and refined, les beaux arts. advanced by your own calculated but deluded assent Your odd-bedfellow confederation with lowbrow element stands as the greatest misjudgment, the greatest misstep, of your misguided life, proximate cause to your life's ruin and undoing -- decades of soul-numbing misery -- crafted by your own hand, advanced by your own calculated but deluded assent. What is wrong with you?
newfound boldness You were scrupulous and conscientious not to offend your philistine oppressors; but quite careless and disdaining toward what I might think. You were bold, felt free, to sin against me, to spit upon me - moreover, not just me but, the far greater sin, a denial of what we, in potentia, are to each other. You still have no idea of how you damaged yourself, and us, with your parody and charade of relationship and community. already existing in potentia
Yours was not so much a boldness but an empty bravado, devolving to cavalier disavowal and self-deception; as if the future would require no accounting of inner truths perceived; as if what you allowed, with him, and with them, represented primary reality and were dispositive to destiny; as if there would be no day of reckoning, as if you would not need to explain yourself, and face me, one day. You betrayed me. You gave yourself to another. And I don't know if I can forgive you, or even see you again. It all feels so poisonous in my spirit.
There is a coming day of judgment – not the religious fairytale judgment before an angry god – but a day of judgment for those who share an eternal soul-bond and joint-destiny. And what will you say for yourself on that day when machinations of the heart are laid bare? a prison for the mind Those with whom you make pact, among the most crude and crass, the worldly craven and knavish, are headed for time in a "dark closet"; but you conduct yourself as if God would commend their goonish and sordid tactics, requiring you to honor and obey whatever they say.
Morpheus used the phrase "a prison for the mind." Right now, fearful and guilt-ridden, you are held captive in your own prison-Matrix, the dungeon of terrorized perceptions, chained to narrow and errant concepts of how life works, a torture-chamber of tyrannical peer-group definitions of morality.
take the red pill Why didn't you take the red pill as your life's direction? Why didn’t you devote yourself to discovering the truth and what’s real? - instead of hell-bent surrendering to “the white picket fence." What is wrong with you? How did you become an indentured cultist, now mindlessly clinging to worn-out and tired propaganda concepts -- widely known today, with even a modicum of research, to be perversions of historical reality, mere disinformation campaign and fake-news, blatant fear-and-guilt control tactics, by a rogue and despotic organization. Why didn't you live your life for the truth? What is wrong with you? The institution you support is a corrupt and power-mongering entity of the world. It has a long history of psychological oppression, murderous activity, and sexual exploitation. Everything they teach has a smell to it. And if one transitions to the other side believing their "holy" doctrines to be wonderful, one could land in a "cult deprogramming" clinic or even earn accommodation in dark detention. With a little investigation, one could have known these things. Why don't you know them? Why are you so uninformed, so gullible and easily led? Can't you stand up for what is right? - or at least for yourself? Will you never grow up? When will you stop being the servile and serf-like, unthinking and acquiescing, good-little-girl? What is wrong with you? Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment: “Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.”
'I feel so guilty' Do you remember when you said this to me? I feel so guilty, you exclaimed. They had battered you psychologicaIly, but yet, I could tell, in your heart-of-hearts, you were not deceived. You knew what they were doing to you, these merchants of fear and guilt. Even so, you could not walk away; not yet. You still needed an external approval - still too much the obeisant "good little girl." the social conditioning of the tribe, the mind-virus of the clan, the html-programming of local nomos Krishnamurti warned that "people can be conditioned to believe anything." The belief-systems of nearly every unenlightened person represent geography, where one was born, one's family, community, native group; mere provincial moralities, the mind-virus of the clan, local nomos, as described by Herodotus. Are we to be impressed by this formulaic and robotic true believer-ism? - these empty beliefs, just plain-vanilla fear-based superstition of the tribe, masquerading as cosmic truth, within a credulous and frothing assemblage of misled and duped minions. But you went along with this perversion of what's real and, worse, allowed it as foundation for your life. You chose appearance over substance. And then you were surprised at how quickly your bargained-for "white picket fence" sank into a nightmare world. Have you no foresight, no internal radar, no good sense at all? What is wrong with you? You say you didn't know; yes, but you could have known, you didn't devote yourself to knowing and finding the truth. Not knowing, when you could have known, is gross negligence. In tort law it's called "the reasonable man" rule; it's what the reasonable man ought to have known and done -- and closing one's eyes is not a defense, and, therefore, natural law, and your own higher self, will hold you strictly accountable. What is wrong with you?
postured authority And so you were hoodwinked to set aside rational faculties and sacred responsibility to live as a free and whole person. You surrendered all this to vulgar mountebanks. They promised you "beads and trinkets" to overcome your weakness of needing to be accepted, a fear of being left on the shelf and unwanted, a dread of never finding happiness of "the white picket fence." These vile and base ones, in alliance, postured an authority over your life, but, in fact, had absolutely none. A victim of local nomos, you entered into agreement with them during your time of fearful immaturity, when you lacked knowledge, of yourself, the world, destiny, and natural law; and so you could not defend against their offer of "poisoned candy," what you viewed as your last ticket to the good life. All of which distilled to your greatest sin: you betrayed "us," betrayed your own inner whispering voice of guidance, and you betrayed me. You gave yourself to someone else, and justified it by lying to yourself that I had rejected you. Later, in your growing misery, though beginning to realize your error, you still could not break free. Commanding strict obedience, they chained you with an oppressive sense of guilt, a constant browbeating, intimating that you are no-good and unworthy - declaring that a wrathful god would be very displeased, and quick to eternally punish, should you consider defying them to wander off the plantation; that, you did not have the right to think for yourself, to insist on yourself and your own inner-guidance. Why did you put up with this? Why didn’t you walk away and save yourself? Have you no self-respect at all? Maybe I have been wrong about you; maybe you are not the girl of high ideals I imagined you to be; maybe your taskmaster serves as “painting of Dorian Gray,” revealing what you’re really like. Did you remain because you're comfortable there? What is wrong with you? You have damaged "us" more than you know, for how can I be with someone who doesn't live for and honor the truth? Why are you so disdainful of the coming “real world”? - one missed heartbeat away, wherein all that you currently cling to will be reduced in value, as Abraham Lincoln used the phrase, to a “barrel of warm spit.”
you were the first to know All this inundation of mental trammeling, a psychological warfare, succeeded in making you too deferential, too subservient, to overthrow ill-founded custom and convention; too intimidated, too submissive, to do what is right, even though your deepest heart informed you of the reality, even though you well knew - because you were the first to know - that we belong to each other; no, you did not forget but would not speak. girls mature faster, but dull boys have a habit of growing up and seeing everything I feel angry and disgusted. I had come to believe, wanted to believe, that someday after we’d learned our dire lessons, had suffered enough; after we’d tried everything else and betrayal had run its course; that we would find our way back to, and repent toward, each other; that I -- the boy you once approached to announce your love, the boy who finally realized that he had loved you all along and from the beginning -- that I would be “enough” for you.
'I didn't realize, when I looked in your eyes' Yes, I feel angry and disgusted - because I want to be with you; even more, I want you. Angry and disgusted, mainly toward myself, because, in those early years, I did not speak, was half-baked and immature, not ready, but now I see what's real - however, we've switched roles, and now you're not ready. You and I have always been out of phase. Lawyers draw distinction between intent and motive. For example, I walk across a room because I intend to, but this reveals nothing about motive, why I want to cross the room. And with you, you forthrightly intended to hurt me; of this there is no doubt. What’s not clear is why you did this. If your vituperation issued from cognitive impairment, then a lack of capacity, an insanity defense, might apply. However, why do I doubt this? I’ve always known you to be clear-eyed, and now to make excuses for you, in terms of mental dysfunction, doesn’t seem to fit. Where does this leave us? I’m not sure, but what I do know is that, when we cross over, I will know your heart's motivation. There’s testimony from a new-arrival woman (on the Summerland page) who said that “there’s no more bs over here,” that no one could hide anymore, that she could see to the depths of another’s soul. All this character unveiling is even more true for Twin Souls – and, when I get over there, I will know, I will know instantly, and very clearly, why you did what you did.
Yes, I do expect the worst... because that's the way it's always been with us, and I can hardly imagine anything - or you - changing, because...
baby, you were so bad paradise lost Until I am "enough" for you as you are for me; until I know that you would chose me above all other options as I choose you; until our goals in life merge in substantial confluence; until you want me as much as I want you; until you speak plainly to me, offering an accounting of your actions, as I will offer the same to you; until mutual trust becomes the air we breathe -- we cannot be together. All this is correct; however, I am still left with a poisonous feeling in my spirit. You betrayed me. You gave yourself to another, and not even a good man. And how can I forgive you for this, or even want to see you again? How can I trust you again? This question causes me to stumble.
'please remember how I feel about you' postscript I've been learning more about bipolar disorder. The pendulum swing from high to low coherency can be more extreme than I'd known. As I come to better understand this severe dynamic, I find myself less condemning; even so, to be honest, I still have trouble accepting the "insanity defense" concerning your actions. Some things don't add up. In your favor, however, during a psychic reading, a competent medium reported that she was accessing the truest sentiments of your higher self. Is this plausible? Can a "higher self" send a message? We're reminded of the case of Adela and Eddie: His plane was lost at sea during time of war, and, it was later learned, they had, in fact, communicated via the "higher self." You as this higher self, this “better angel" of your nature, I was informed by the medium, does care for me "deeply" -- stated twice -- and is apologizing for past hurtful conduct; that, essentially, the unfair personal attack was the illness speaking. You said that your conduct did not represent how you really feel, that you could not control your actions. distorted perception If this is true, and I’m inclined to believe that it is, then my previous comments must be reconsidered. Your life-long condition, growing worse in latter years, resulted in distorted perception, caused you to make some very bad judgments and get into life-situations that were totally not you. And I was speaking to another psychic-medium. She's well known with thousands of clients and engaged in police detective work solving criminal cases. She was granted a vision from Guides of what happened to us early on. perky and light-hearted She accurately described your normal, expressive, and light-hearted nature; when you're feeling well and free, your natural perky and playful exuberance. This is the real you. She, along with the first medium, saw some of the trouble you’re in, including the oppression you now suffer by others. She asked if I were aware of this. I said I was aware. She unequivocally asserted that we are Twin Souls. I said I knew this. She said “I’m seeing marriage all over this” for you two; however, she also indicated, it would still be a while. I understood this, as well. She also stated that your time of oppression is finally nearing its end. Concerning our history, I told the lady that, early on, you were the proactive one, coming to me, wanting to tell me, but I was too immature to understand what you were saying. I was just a young boy, but you were ahead, as girls tend to be in these matters. I then added, "we've switched roles," as now I'm the more forthcoming one, and, as it took me most of my life to grow up, I intend to lead this now. The psychic lady commented, yes, "you've passed her now." In a way this is correct, but I also think I'm still trying to "get back to zero," trying to catch up, as you were so happy just to be with me during some of our early encounters. In my whole life, nobody has ever delighted in me like that. I had no idea back then that, what I was receiving could come only from you, that this was it, there was nothing else in life, and I'd never experience it again, with anyone else. As the songwriter expresses it:
'do you remember' It's been many years now, the number shocks, but, you once asked me, "do you remember when I told you..." -- yes -- I remember, but I was surprised it was still on your mind after so long a time; I remember, because... in my life... I remember little else. And do you remember when you said, "Let's not lose each other again", and then, "I want to have a glass of wine with you."
And then, later, finally, I told you, I wrote to you, that I was getting off the merry-go-round of swirling life circumstance, and that, when you were ready, you could find me, and I would be there, waiting alone for you. I offered this pledge unilaterally, knowing that no immediate benefit would be forthcoming - just as you once offered a one-sided presentation, words of love, to an unformed and ill-prepared young boy, so many decades ago now.
With awe and reverence, the psychic-detective, having counseled thousands of clients, confessed that she found our story “very compelling”; most tragedies are. our story, unique among thousands Among these thousands, she’d never seen, had never been given a vision of, so many roadblocks and obstacles, so many levels of formidable barrier to love, and over such a long period of time. this is not how we wanted to be famous Like a farcical dream in which nothing could be made to go right; of two, always out of phase with each other, and having lost each other so early, then spending much of a whole lifetime wishing to get back to each other. 'the blossom, withered, in its bloom' Our embryonic interactions, more than other compelling love stories, speak to Dickens' doleful poetic imagery: "tenderest recollections of the blossom that had withered in its bloom." The medium said she'd counseled thousands of clients concerning lost love, and she wishes our story were written down to give to others, to inform that great patience and fortitude is often required to bring authentic relationship to maturity. 'you never talk about this, but time is on your side' And there were other messages via other psychic-mediums, to whom I gave no detail of our situation, but immediately there was an accessing of the essence of that which burdens me. The counsel was offered, “there’s a hidden part of you that you never talk about, but,” you are given to know, “time is on your side." 'even if she's 90, in a nursing home' And that, while “your years of being apart are not yet over,” the Guides understand that “you would wait for her, even if she’s 90, in a nursing home”; and, in truth, much longer than that; heaven witnesses the solitary confinement, the lonely room and, though, for a long time - like an endless solitary confinement, that lonely room in Solomon Burke's song - the psychic lady acknowledged, I've lived alone and refused others, with the Guides well aware that I am “in a committed relationship”. And another psychic message: You wanted me to know that you realize you need to come back to me, but you don't know how.
One more end-note: I’m adding this several months after recording the above. Much of it was repetitious and spoken in anger. I’ve deleted large sections. How do I feel about us now? I might be encouraged. I’d made the case that trust would have to be rebuilt, and, I said, this could take a very long time. In many situations, this would be true, but I’m now seeing it doesn’t have to be that way for us. At times I'm still angry about things that happened, even a very long time ago, but I also see a way forward. Love and Wisdom In the WG article featuring the mystic Andrew Jackson Davis’ teachings on Woman and Man representing Love and Wisdom, he said that each marriage partner has a God-given role: Love will naturally defer to Wisdom’s best counsel in all things, and Wisdom always puts the interests of Love first to make sure she is happy. She is his "light and life," his "reason to stay alive for." He cannot live without her. Mature Twin-Soul marriage mates have no private agenda, no hidden purpose, such as, "I need this other project to make me happy because the marriage is not enough for me." If either of them feels this way, they're not ready for authentic eternal marriage. This acknowledged, it occurred to me, if we commit ourselves to doing this the right way, then there’s no possibility of conflict. If the interests of Love are always granted “priority number one” status, enshrined and protected, by Wisdom, and if Love ever attends to, abides by, the insights and directives of Wisdom, for their lives and marriage, then harmony is assured, with no competition between them. But, see the full discussion on the "Jackson Davis" page, for this is not a license for the male to become high-handed and free-wheeling toward his mate. It's not that way at all. sacred mutualism Look at this marital dynamic again: Each gets exactly what she or he wants, but not by jousting for power and off-the-books activities. Each feels whole and complete, satisfied and contented, because each is looked after by the counterpartal other. This sacred mutualism is led by promptings of innate “made in the image” soul-energies. This means that deepest desires reflect the mind of Mother-Father God. Early on you endured my diatribe, but now allow me to act as your defense attorney. I think I know what you'll say when we meet: she may have looked like me, but... “Elenchus, I don’t blame you for being furious. I understand, I know you love me, and that's why it feels like a betrayal and hurts so much. You go back and forth on the question, can you ever forgive me? - even to eternity. You're not sure. But allow me to say, you have no idea how dismayed and disheartened I am, with myself. Please try to realize I was a different person then. It wasn't the real me. Not only was I immature, but my brain was not working properly, my judgment was skewed. I would never do those things again. I don’t think that way anymore; and, actually, in my heart of hearts, I never did. Heaven has acknowledged that ‘you are in a committed relationship.’ I know it’s been very one-sided so far, caused you endless depression, as you've waited alone, even for decades now. But heaven also informed you that 'time is on your side.’ Elenchus, I did not have the inner reserves to free myself from the misery I created, I could not break away. If you could know my truest heart you would see that I was always in a committed relationship with you, as well, was also waiting to be with you. Dearest friend, I was offline, my head wasn’t working, and we never had a real chance back then.” I want to believe this is true. I need your help to confirm. Kriss, as we’ve discussed, trust is the undergirding of authentic relationship. Mates who don’t trust each other cannot build an enduring life together. I am hoping we might expeditiously put ourselves back together, it doesn’t have to take a long time. However, I need to hear your own voice explaining what happened. If you were led by ordinary immaturity, unwise decisions of callow youth, then, empathetically, I say this is a forgivable offense, as I have my own trespasses from that early time that make me cringe. Also mitigating any charge of blame would be cognitive disability, indicating lack of capacity concerning sound judgment. This impairment defense would wipe the slate clean for you; meaning, the real you did not intend to cause me harm. I need to know this, that the real you was not vicious toward me. Failure here will set us back, as the trust issue will not have been addressed. Closely allied with trust is admiration. I want to be with a girl whose character I admire: a girl who is selfless, puts herself out for others, is modest, teachable, virtuous, willing to deny immediate pleasure to gain "the truth." I'm not sure if you're mature yet in this way; if you're not, don't worry, I'm willing to wait for you to grow up. the girl of excellent spirit and highest ideals, I always knew you to be Part of me sees you as a “perfect girl” of excellent spirit and highest ideals, always trying to do her best. I believe this is who you really are, at least in potentia. It's how I like to remember you, and this -- absolutely -- is the girl I want to be with. But I need to hear your own voice explain it to me. confirmation hearings I think we should have a short session of "confirmation hearings," an opportunity for each of us to ask frank and direct questions about anything that happened, anything that bothers us. Even if I know the answer, I want to hear it from your own voice. I believe we'll acquit ourselves of any material charges of wrongdoing. And I don't want you to worry, because even if attitudes were not always 100% in the past, a present heartfelt pledge for what comes next -- from one who is now far wiser, has suffered greatly, sees clearly what she wants, is devoted to the truth and all that's good, and simply desires to share a happy life now -- finally, after decades of detours, with the boy she always loved – will also work just fine for us, and we’re good to go now. When we do this, there will no longer be any "handicaps, obstacles, and impediments" to our coming together; that is - to use your phrase - "if you're still willing." Right now, I'm still somewhat burdened with bad feelings because I've not yet heard your own voice on the matter, and I don't know where you are in your head. But, I also know, if we can get past questions concerning trust, the bad feelings will evaporate quickly. making a list And, Kriss, this too -- I've been thinking of ways to give you a full and happy life. I've already made a list of quite a few good things: exploring marital felicity and the deeper nature of romantic love / social events and parties, black-tie and casual / personal development and advanced education / backyard get-togethers, fun foods and drinks, with best friends and closest relatives / mind expansion and discovering untapped powers / attaining new skills to broadly investigate the world of art and music, allowing us to participate with high degree of proficiency; meaning, producing our own art and music to be publicly exhibited in galleries and concerts / travel and adventure / animals and nature studies / family goals and children / custom-designed home, small farm, plus mountain retreat and beach-front cottage / charitable works and serving the disadvantaged / counseling pre-nup couples who want what we have / university research and mentoring by the ancient wise / space exploration and investigating civilizations across the cosmos / all things Twin mates would probably like to have or do together. These are very large areas of endeavor, to be studied and gradually made part of our lives over a long period of time. However, it takes more than a stellar line-up of activities to make a true marriage, it takes an underlying soul bond. I know we have this. Even so, a soul bond doesn't guarantee that you'll actually want to be with me; soul bonds can be defied, albeit with suffering. I "fade in and out" of believing that you love me. a pleasant fiction What do I think will happen when we meet in Summerland? I “fade in and out” on this too. I suspect you’ll transition first, your health is not good. If you use the time until I come to build yourself up, under the guidance of your “Mother Guide,” we might be ready for marriage very soon. Then again, I’m mentally prepared for the worst. They say that our minds are the same immediately upon entrance to the new world, and maybe your brain wasn’t working right, but even so I wonder if you might succumb to well worn habit patterns. Will you “go rogue” on me? It’s not as if this hasn’t happened, more than once. Will you still be angry over some imagined slighting? Maybe you’ll even marry someone else in this fog-headed frame of mind. You probably won’t do that, but then, I’ve said that before. I’m not expecting much when I arrive, I’m expecting trouble. I’m expecting that I’ll have to start my service work alone, and live alone. Is this too dreary an outlook? I hope so, but I’ve been burned so many times by “us” I don’t dare hope for more. But maybe you’ll be a different person when we meet. Maybe you’ll actually be sane and actually want to be with me. It is a pleasant fiction. - Does this make you smile? - prove me wrong, Darling Dear. It will take more than a full schedule of wonderful events to heal us. I need to hear from your own voice that you truly want to be with me. The dark side of my heart has its doubts. Special note: Many times now I’ve made reference to your voice. There’s something about a lover’s soft voice that utterly disarms, and there are love songs about the “soft voice that comes at night.” A long time ago, during one of our shared mystical experiences, I said that your voice was suddenly transformed not just into something musical but music itself - the most sublime and bewitching music of my entire life; reminiscent of the ancient Greek myth of the Sirens, whose wondrous voices so beguiled men that they risked certain death to apprehend. There is something about a beautiful woman’s beautiful voice that undoes, penetrates, the soul. Several years ago, in your absence, I found myself confronted – not my arrangement – by a beautiful woman with an overwhelmingly soft-seductive voice. I did not accept her implied offer because I knew I belonged to you, but extricating myself from her enchanting voice was one of the hardest things I ever did; I still feel bad, especially late at night, for turning her down. That kind of mesmerizing soft voice is like precipitously falling, endlessly, without a parachute. life's work My doubt extends not just to your wanting to be with me, but to taking part in my life's work. Kriss, you are beautiful like a fashion model (but outward beauty, if that's all there is, I've found to be an empty thing), and there aren't many fashion models where I'm going. I plan to prepare for difficult, even very unpleasant, rescue work -- rescue work for those who exist in abject misery, cannot help themselves, and have given up any hope of life. This work will take me to bad neighborhoods, "sewer pits" and "rat cellars"; places most people in Summerland never go to, or even know exist. I don't know if you'll put up with that, or put up with me - it's not what you signed on for, I think. full partner In one of our discussions I said I didn't need to marry a missionary girl, but, as I think about it more, what would that mean? It would be like you having a separate life, with separate activities. I couldn't agree to a marriage like that, it would be too hurtful. The John-and-Mary detached arrangement doesn't appeal anymore. I'd want us to be together all the time. I need a girl as full partner in this service effort, right there with me, even proactively analyzing and making recommendations for each case - feminine intuition in these situations is often more valuable than the male's perspective. I don't know if all this is too much for you, and I would understand if you can't do it, but I'd rather not be married, and live alone, if marriage would mean separate directions and separate lives.
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