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exploring self-realization, sacred personhood, and full humanity


Soulmate, Myself:
The Perfect Mate

Who Is The Perfect Mate?

 Summary Thoughts




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“By God, she reminds me of me!” 



Who is the perfect mate?

Twenty years ago, in one of my first Word Gems articles, I began to give thought to this question. Early on, before I knew much, it seemed to me that the ideal companion should arrive with perfect resume, a stellar offering of traits and abilities. In the opening lines of that ancient writing I stated:

She will, of course, be intelligent. She is attractive by any standard, but her keen mind lends to her an aura of princess-like nobility. She impresses you in a natural way, without trying to impress.

Her eyes and entire visage glow with presence-of-mind quiet confidence; without this cerebral element she would be just another pretty face; with it, however, she is goddess-like. She knows that she need not feign blondness with me. I like her being smart - the smarter the better.

Articulate graciousness and high social IQ; yes, of course. A sense of the aesthetic, a lover of poetry, the fine arts, and all things wise and wonderful; without a doubt. High moral character, a seeker of truth, principled, and virtuous; all this, without saying. I could go on.

But there are many good, and very good, women in the world, and some do come with nearly-perfect resumes. Moreover, once we get to Summerland, we’ll find that world replete with beautiful women with perfect "20-something" bodies; sophisticated, accomplished, and with expanded mental abilities; loving and sensitive, goddess-like, graced with fine character attributes.

How will you find and recognize your true mate, the perfect mate just for you, when nearly everyone – at least, in the “good neighborhoods” over there -- has a perfect resume?


stillness speaks: an inner voice, late at night, jars me awake

I’d been considering this question of “the perfect mate” for some time, but without final or satisfying answer. Very late one night, however, as reported in Prometheus Denied, I found myself jarred from sleep. Immediately, a strange phrase, two words, presented itself to my consciousness: “soulmate, myself.”  

I thought this to be very odd. I’d never heard these words before, and, while poetic, they conveyed no meaning to me. And yet, despite this 3 AM confusion, also immediately, settling upon me was a sense that this phrase would be the title of a book – an unwelcomed perception as I had little to say on the subject.

In retrospect, I marvel at this incident. I couldn’t know or understand then that, in just two words, in very compact form, I’d been given the answer to the question “who is the perfect mate?” It is “soulmate, myself.”


40 case-studies

We’ve reviewed 40 stories, 40 vignettes, of lovers’ interactions; some of them, high-minded and spiritually oriented, with others modeling dysfunction and base impetus. Many more, of course, could be offered, and we all have our own private “rogue’s gallery” and “litany of saints” of people we know. Every couple’s life placards eternal principles, or lack thereof, and might instruct us, for better or worse.

Which of “the 40” enlightens us in our quest for the perfect mate?

Many of them offer very good principles which would make any marriage more enjoyable; and some show us what not to do. But, I would have to say, while some come close, exceedingly few of “the 40” speak precisely to the question of the perfect mate’s identity.


not for a reason

We might be tempted to say that Elizabeth and Robert Browning, given their high-altitude level of communication, a “voice of the gods,” must qualify as Twin Souls. Not necessarily. In Summerland, with several years of devoted attention to literature, if we choose to do that, we’ll soon be giving the Brownings a run for their money. And when we do, our new-found literary acumen will not, by itself, without more, magically transform our relationships into a status that of Twins.

I will say this for Elizabeth, though: her insight into being loved “not for a reason” comes very close to, and may qualify as synonym for, “soulmate, myself.” Her sentiment is definitely “anti-resume,” and that puts her on the right track.

A very close representation of “not for a reason” is Gilbert’s frank admission that, in response to Anne’s churlishness and petulance, he tried to forget her and stop loving her. He said that he failed. Moreover, even during the “slate over the head” incident, he said that he realized that he loved her. This is “not for a reason” in another form, and a strong indicator of true love. John easily falls out of love with Mary, but true love is not a choice, and Gilbert was unremittingly drawn to Anne, despite her unattractive anger. He tried to be mad at her but his higher self vetoed the notion.


I have loved you all my life

Several of the women, nearly none of the men, felt compelled not only to say “I love you,” but, “I have loved you all my life.” Agnes and Emily come to mind. David Copperfield may be the only male of "the 40" offering this sentiment with his “child-wife” perception; meaning, he suddenly realized he'd loved Agnes since she was a little girl.

As discussed in The Wedding Song, the soul, as linked to God, will enjoy an understanding of “timeless, pervasive reality.” Mere psychological or animal passion/instinct cannot do this. But we learned from Andrew Jackson Davis that there are higher-level forms of marriage invoking the attributes of the soul, but, even so, still fall short of the lofty Twin status. These marriages, while miles ahead of “the 40%” devoted exclusively to a “roll in the hay,” will, nevertheless, fall apart later in Summerland. And so the statement, “I have loved you all my life,” by itself, is not enough to certify Twin designation.


she saved my life

Landon flatly stated that “Jamie saved my life.” One of his buddies, too, charged, “She’s changed you, man, and you don’t even know it.” God designed the marriage of Twin Souls such that these sacred two would help each other evolve spiritually. They are to become a kind of “savior” to each other. All this is true and attested to by many afterlife teachers.

Does this mean that anyone like Landon who's motivated to change by his love for a beautiful girl necessarily decrees that they are Twins? We’d need more confirmation. People are helped to change bad habits and bad lifestyles by many good organizations, such as Alcoholics Anonymous. Mothers and fathers do this, too. I've often said that my Grandma Becker saved me. And bad boy changing his ways by falling in love with Jamie is a good thing, but we’ll need more evidence to crown them with Twin Soul status.


I asked questions of my beloved and she answered me

Viktor says that he "spoke" to Tilly during his time of extreme trial and privation. I will not doubt him. Does this mean they're Twins and "the perfect mate" to each other?

I'm acquainted with two brothers, identical twins. They’ve shared a story with me about when they were six years old. Their mother had taken them to Macy’s in New York, a huge department store with many floors. One of the twins became lost. The mother was frantic, and the store managers were out looking for the kid. But the brother still with mom said, “I can take you to him” – which he did, straight to him, on another floor, though the missing twin was roaming around. These two little boys were in contact with each other.

Dr. Rupert Sheldrake does research in this area and, in his files, has a few thousand documented examples of this kind of communication. Doubtless, Viktor had a strong bond and link to his absent Tilly, but, without more evidence, we cannot say that they were “perfect mates” to each other.


soulmate, myself: cause and effect

 We might continue in this manner for some time, offering seemingly solid evidence for true love and the “perfect mate,” but, unless and until we discern the foundation of it all, our arguments will fall flat.

And what is the true basis of eternal love, the “perfect mate”? Well, we’ve already said it, it’s “soulmate, myself.”

What does this mean?

True love originates in the soul, not in the body. That’s why, for the permanent love, we speak of “soulmates” not “fleshmates.” And we speak of “Twin Souls” because there’s somebody out there, one person in the universe, who is just like you on the deep inside, your “opposite sameness” at the soul-level, not necessarily at the personality-level. That’s why it’s “soulmate, myself,” and not “soulmate, you’re-a-nice-girl-but-you’re-nothing-like-me.”

And that’s the point. When you find her, you’ll be stunned, awe-struck, just as Adam was when he first laid eyes on Eve. He didn’t say, “You’re beautiful” – which is what John says when he meets Mary – but, instead, Adam gushed, “You’re just like me! You’re soulmate, myself.”

cause and effect

Mattie and Reuben, as we’ve stated, need to win some kind of an award for least likely to “pull the sword out of the stone”; and yet, I must say, they are crowned king and queen in our review. Strange but true, they offer the clearest example among “the 40” of “soulmate, myself.”

This is the bedrock foundation of true love – two bodies seemingly sharing a single soul; an essential existential similarity.

What are the effects of this life-altering, paradigm-shattering event of perceiving and discovering the identity of one’s Twin? – of finding that one person in the universe who's “just like me”?

With this revelation of “the perfect mate” in place, we’ll see a number of consequences naturally flowing from source:

Twins will wait for each other, no matter how long the wait – as May and Arthur waited. And they will wait alone, as per the teaching of Jesus.

Twins will say, with Anne of Green Gables, “I just want YOU!” and nothing else could ever substitute; or, like Jack O'Neill, "I wouldn't want to live if I lost Carter."

Twins will endure the hardship of Leonard’s “Love is not a victory march”; in that, there is no instant gratification in this world wherein suffering and lessons to be learned are the focus.

Twins will not only wait for each other, but, as did Frederick, will proactively plan to rescue, aid, and support, a mate who's stumbled.

Twins work to make their "inner music pure," as Iris required of Anselm. This freedom from egoic influence is necessary as only the "true self" might become One Person with a beloved.

Twins are aware of Rose's perception of "the sinful marriage" and will not settle for second best. And when this perception comes, and if they are currently wedded to others -- as seems to be the norm -- they will move toward disentangling themselves in order to be free to engage the true one, when Spirit Guides judge the sacred couple to be ready for union.

Twins have grown beyond hiding behind a protective shield of external father-figures, such as Jamie's "religion and holy book."

Twins offer each other a sense of being cherished and treasured, as Elenchus sought to offer gift to Kairissi, to displace long-held self-evaluations of unworthiness and self-unlove. 

Twins never treat each other as "means to an end," as stepping-stone to some other goal.


she is my life

She is so many things, we despair of creating an exhaustive list of stellar attributes.

Let’s ask Adam one more time. He’s the one who first said “she’s soulmate, myself – she’s just like me.” But there’s another part to Adam’s answer. He called his mate “Woman,” but he also called her “Eve,” which means “life.”

Who is the perfect mate? She is the one who gives meaning to life; the one, without whose presence, life -- even eternal life -- would not be worth living, even in the next world. She is the one who creates ultimate reality, an ecstasy, a pervasive sense of joy, which teaches us about the mind of God. She becomes his source of "the translucence," the shining through, "of the eternal splendor of the One," and of the truth.


what does it mean to be a ‘perfect mate’; what is the essence of true love

My writings, over twenty years, regarding authentic romantic love – books and articles – disgorge themselves in a few thousand pages. Clearly, I’ve said more than I know.

But, despite this sprawling corpus of explanation, if you were to ask me “What is true love, what does it mean to be a perfect mate?” I think I’d be at loss, I'd draw a blank – I’m drawing one right now. I can’t tell you.

As I review the above few paragraphs, I notice my comments, “Twins are this, and Twins are that,” and “the Perfect Mate is your life” and will bring a complement of “stellar attributes.” Well, all this is quite true, and more than we know, but this is not the essence of what it means to be a Perfect Mate nor to experience true love. This is just more “perfect resume” thinking, and we’ve stepped over the line, violating Elizabeth’s dictum “not for a reason.”

Then what?

The truth seems to be that we can know some things about the Perfect Mate and true love, but we cannot say what these grand concepts mean.

Why is this so?

I think the answer is this: true love, and the sacred messenger of true love, the Perfect Mate, are representations of advanced consciousness. And this consciousness, a derivation of Universal Consciousness, becomes the connecting basis of all humanity. We discussed this in "The Wedding Song." The essence of true love is a perception of oneness, and Twin Souls perceive this unity to a degree unknown by others.

John and Mary succumb to an ersatz, bio-instinctual form of love, a temporary affinity designed by Mother Nature to perpetuate the species. However, The Wedding Song informs us that authentic eternal romance is not rooted in the body but finds basis in a “union of spirits,” a nexus of purified consciousness.

And what is consciousness?

Eckhart Tolle – in my opinion, the leading thinker in the world on this topic – says that we cannot answer this question. If we attempt to define consciousness we turn it into an object of the universe, and, in so doing, we falsify its essence. Consciousness is not an object of the universe, not something to be known by a knower; not something we have but what we are; in fact, all of the universe, all of creation, is an expression of consciousness. As Dr. Amit Goswami, professor of quantum physics, says, “Consciousness is the ground of all being.” (I have more to say about this topic in my “Theory-Of-Everything” article.)

And if true love, and the sacred messenger of true love, the Perfect Mate, are representations of advanced consciousness, then, strictly speaking, precise definitions will escape us. The sacred beloved is one whom the lover desires “not for a reason”; she is like “God, who is spirit,” as the scripture asserts, that is, the love she brings, and all that she is, is an expression of divine consciousness itself. And good luck to us in any attempt to define in an absolute sense as definition itself creates limitation.

God, true love, and the Perfect Mate, cannot be reduced to any such limitation. Consciousness fills the universe and all dimensions. It is like the prairie, that “magical panorama of endless horizon - unbounded, untrammeled, unfettered,” which, I once said, I’ve become; but the Perfect Mate will also know these descriptors; if description were possible.

The Perfect Mate engenders perceptions of God, the universe, destiny, and infinity. There is reason why a man truly in love finds himself moved to “worship and adore” his beloved; why he discovers in her face an “intense focalization of natural wonder and power”; why he experiences a “fear of being overwhelmed by the truth of the universe as it exists, as that truth is focused in one human face.”

And if fate dictates that he meet her in this world, only to be kept from her by Silver Birch’s “hindrances, obstacles, and impediments,” then he will exit this planet of suffering, alone. Eventually, having been reunited with her in the next world, the sorrow and weeping, the endless nightmare of losing her, will begin to fade; but one memory shall linger; indeed, shall remain for the next million years and beyond – what Gibran called “the first sight” of the beloved; a cataclysmic upheaval of new awareness, “like the spirit that moved on the face of the waters, from which flowed forth heavens and the earth." This, that first time of realizing who she is, he'll never forget.


perpetually lost in an amazement of love

John and Mary do not experience the "perpetually lost in an amazement of love"; for them, there is but explicit or vague haunting sense of unfulfillment, founded upon mystical perception of "you are not like me." For them there is no "soulmate, myself," there is no expression of Reuben's, "By God, you remind me of me!" Mother Nature's arrows, if at all, strike the hapless John-and-Mary couple; the arrows sting, cause intoxication -- but then it's over; before too long, over forever.

Not so for authentic romantics. Theirs is a love as permanent as their state of consciousness. While permanent, it will wax and wane somewhat, but never altogether leaves. Like "true north" of a compass, it ever rights itself and, as desired, is available upon demand by centering oneself. "Drawing life and giving it back again," operates perpetually for those enjoying a "marriage of spirits"; like Mattie, at will, they draw it like a gun.


is all of this overdone

Is it possible to achieve the level of “perpetually lost in an amazement of love”? Many will deny this as something unrealistic. This becomes John and Mary’s jaded assessment, even on their wedding day; and The Wedding Song, too, warns that virtually no one on this planet believes in “a union of spirits,” that is, love as a permanent state of consciousness.

Many years ago I received a letter from a Word Gems reader asking my opinion on a relationship matter. She wanted to know, if one partner desires to leave, should the other try to offer persuasive argument attempting to preserve their nexus?

No hard sales-pitch should be offered, I said, with a view toward convincing a partner to stay; rather, one might even up the ante with, “If you can leave, then you should leave.”

Authentic romantics, ones destined for each other, cannot leave a relationship without creating unfathomable suffering for themselves. They will be back. But if one can leave without this emotional armageddon, then one should save everyone a lot of time and bother by leaving now, and rescuing four parties from further damage.

We need to understand that attempting to offer argument, hoping to convince another to stay, is just a form of The Wedding Song’s problematic “buying and selling, giving and receiving, negotiating and bargaining.” If the relationship is based on quid pro quo, political maneuvering, then we can spare ourselves a good deal of trouble by ending "playing house" right now.

The eternal romance knows nothing of “buying and selling” and clever reasoning. There will be no convincing sales-pitch. True lovers are lost, perpetually lost, in an elevated state of permanent, delightful consciousness – lost in an amazement of true love, the ultimate reality. And so, no, these statements are not overdone. Our problem is we don't know what we don't know.

Being lost in love is something perpetual and permanent. And this is why ancient literature -- no doubt, channeled from Heaven -- speaks of the authentic marriage as unbreakable, with divorce not merely impermissible, but impossible; impossible, because the sacred couple would never desire such a thing.



I’d finished the above writing some time ago, but of late it’s occurred to me that I’ve emphasized too much a certain precept.

“Soulmate, myself” is my own terminology for perceptions of “you are just like me.” If you have found your eternal Twin, then, a sense of essential similarity will flood your consciousness. But, not necessarily immediately.

While living down here “in the trenches" of this world, Twins can experience what we’ve called an “out of phase” relationship: one will be ready and the other is not. This can go on for a long time. And even though at the core of personhood they will share a soul-affinity and similarity of essence, on the surface of life, Twins might temporarily grow apart, with their innate sense of “soulmate, myself” washed up on the rocks of misunderstanding and missed opportunity.

This is common and to be expected right now. Someday, when they’re living and loving, studying and working, serving and helping – doing all this together -- in Summerland society, they will easily emulate each other and take on each other’s best aspects; as all lovers do -- this is normal and the way it should be.

I bring this up because there’s another aspect of Twin love that is not so easily set aside, even during their time of disconnect and “out of phase.” I speak of an awareness of “the joy,” the “extreme delight,” of knowing each other. However, I’ll have to walk this back a step. Awareness of “the joy” manifests only after Gibran’s “first sight.” But when it does, it continues.

The joy” may be even more foundational to Twin love than is “soulmate, myself.” Frederick Myer from the afterlife explained it to us. He said that “the joy” accesses the very mind of Mother-Father God and becomes the focal point of what it means to have been created “in the image.”

But maybe there's a better way of stating this. The "true self," in its most mature expression, will reflect the joy of God's mind; as this is the case, "the joy" and "soulmate myself" become opposite sides of the same coin.