Eckhart Tolle:

true love is transcendental; without recognition of the 'true self' within, there can be no authentic romance for couples

"What is commonly called 'falling in love,' in most cases, is an intensification of egoic wanting and needing.

"You become addicted to another person, or rather to your image of that person.

"It has nothing to do with true love, which contains no wanting whatsoever." 

"True love is transcendental.  Without recognition of the formless within yourself, there can be no true transcendental love.  If you cannot recognize the formless in yourself, you cannot recognize yourself in the other.  The recognition of the other as yourself in essence – not the form – is true love. 

"As long as the conditioned mind [run by the 'false self'] operates and you are completely identified with it, there’s no true love.  There may be substitutes, things that are called “love” but are not true love.  For example, “falling in love”… [the] aspect of affinity with another form [in terms of] male/female.  You can be drawn to another body in a sexual way, and it’s sometimes called “love”. 

"Especially if the sexual act is denied long enough, it’s more likely to develop into obsessive love…so much so, that in cultures where you could not have sex until you were married, falling in love could be a huge thing and could lead to suicide. 

Editor’s note: This “obsessive love,” drawing strength from a puritanical forever-say-no culture, might not only lead to suicide if denied, a “Romeo and Juliet” complex,  but to hatred and vengeance if one is rejected, or even perceived to be spurned, by a hoped-for lover. These extreme cases, by no means unknown, offer clear instruction that, unless romantic love is founded upon, what Tolle calls, a "transcendental" awareness – even if the lovers are, in fact, destined as Twins, but without present spiritual maturity to recognize this fact – the “false self” will ruin a couple’s chances for authentic relationship. At least for now.

"Naturally, there is an affinity of the male/female, the incompleteness of this form. The primary incompleteness of this form is that you are either a man or a woman. The oneness has become the duality of male/female. The pull towards the other is an attempt to find wholeness, completeness, fulfillment through the opposite polarity, in an attempt to find the Oneness.  That lies at the basis of the attraction. It’s to do with form, because on the level of form you are not whole – you are one half of the whole...

"What is commonly called 'falling in love' is in most cases an intensification of egoic wanting and needing. You become addicted to another person, or rather to your image of that person. It has nothing to do with true love, which contains no wanting [that is, neurotic craving based on a sense of emptiness and neediness] whatsoever."

it's so easy to fall in love

Editor's note: Recently, a Word Gems reader asked a question about the nature of authentic romance. I said that the typical male, led by biological impulse, could fall in love ten times a day -- as Buddy Holly sang, “It’s so easy to fall in love.” And so meaningless, as commonly experienced.

Eckhart is right. The typical brain-chemical induced male-female ritual of “falling in love” is just a dramatic outburst, “an intensification, of egoic wanting and needing.” And if the right stimulus crosses one’s bio-radar screen, “falling in love” can happen very quickly – like a prairie fire rapidly consuming a field of grass, but then, just as quickly, burning itself out.

This is the ephemeral fervency that replenishes the human species, spawns marriages, and makes the world go round. But it’s also “the love that has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight.”

jaded

After thousands of pages in articles and books, why should I say more about love here? By now we are aware of the problem. Even so, I would like to add a paragraph or two because, while most of us know of the “miserably married,” few believe there is a solution. As “The Wedding Song” laments, most of us, jaded and disillusioned, no longer truly believe in love; not really. We might believe in the temporary high of “falling in love,” but not in the unquenchable joy of transcendent marital Twin love, the eternal happiness of darling companions. That sounds like a fairy-tale to most of us.

Even many of the spiritual teachers who know about the “true self” and the “false self” do not believe in the eternal marriage. They think that the joy of “going within,” of finding the inner peace, is the ultimate satisfaction -- and that those who insist on hoping for fulfillment with a romantic mate are just deluded, living in a fantasy.

ultimate reality

What I'd like to add is this; an answer that will satisfy few, at the moment: The the true romantic love, “something never seen before” in this world, is an ecstasy unavailable to the individual. And why is that? because the intimacy of the true marriage is meant to mirror ultimate reality, a microcosm of the Oneness known only to Mother-Father God.

This state of bliss is not something achieved once and for all, in a moment. It’s something that a Destined Two will grow into, will “travel on” toward, over the coming unending future; that is, they will progressively enter higher states of consciousness, and closer degrees of intimacy.

It’s something that has to be experienced, not part of "common sense." And until people do experience it we will read of reports by some concerning how romantic love is just a fantasy to be outgrown and discarded.

so magnetic, so overwhelming

As the ancient Spirit-Guide Silver Birch expressed it: the true love, which happens for each individual, for each couple, only once, whether in this world or the next, is "so magnetic, so overwhelming," as to forever displace all other feelings of pleasure; such that, this mystical experience will now, in a sense, define one's life, become a milestone in one's mental history, commemorating the time when one truly became alive, that is, with meaning, purpose, wholeness, and joy. It is the extreme delight which, once possessed, never leaves one's consciousness.

“it’s so easy to fall in love,” and “people tell me love’s for fools, but here I go breaking all of the rules” – because – “where you’re concerned, my heart has learned” that... it’s something new and different this time and no fantasy…

“Why can’t I find my forever-soulmate?”

Many of the concepts introduced here on Word Gems are controversial, but none more so than that of finding true love.

People often feel that I am incorrect to say that true love is a most rare commodity in this world and virtually none has experienced the real thing.

There are different ways of approaching this problem. Tolle uses the phrase “True love is transcendental,” that all true love is of God. And I sometimes say that love must be founded upon a recognition of the “true self,” one’s link to Universal Consciousness. All these, variantly expressed, refer to the same thing, and we should not be terribly surprised to learn that authentic love will not be found on every street corner in this troubled world. We delude ourselves to suggest otherwise.

“falling in love,” in most cases, “is just an outburst of egoic needing and wanting”

We don’t like talk like this. We want to believe that what we felt, in those moments of ecstasy – albeit, rare and so fleeting in one’s life’s experience – at least should be counted as real. We protest against charges that might diminish. But, we have to admit, almost everyone, or let’s just say ‘everyone,’ though in receipt of these feelings, has not found lasting happiness. Therefore, we are forced to concede, "What is the real problem in this process? -- or, with us?"

let’s take a wider view

When we say that “true love is transcendental” or “of God” or, if it is to endure, must be based on “Universal Consciousness,” we confuse ourselves to limit a quest for authentic love to the arena of the romantic. In other words, all forms of love, in every aspect of human interaction, will eventually break down and disappoint, if not sustained by the “true self.” All forms of love, if orchestrated by the “false self,” are merely expressions of “egoic wanting and needing.” Let’s look at several examples.

a mother’s love

Well, who could question a mother’s love? It’s virtually sacrilegious to do so. We even have popular proverbs affirming the sacrosanct status: we speak of “it's American as motherhood and apple pie,” meaning, these are unassailably and intrinsically wholesome and inviolable. However, in my travels and discussions with people, I am surprised how often I come across people who have been traumatized and scarred by unloving mothers.

How does this happen? Even though “motherhood” is a natural and sacred function, if led by the dysfunctional ego, “motherhood” might devolve to just one more role that the ego plays in order to get what it wants. The egoic mother wants to be wanted. She’s that young "Mary" who entered marriage because “it felt so good to be chosen” and not “left on the shelf.”

In similar vein, when children come along, the egoic mother revels in being needed in this new and special way; never in her life has another human being needed her so much, and it feels so good to be in such demand. At this stage, all is well in paradise. Mary has an adoring captive little audience, dreamed about since she was a young girl. However, as little Johnny or Suzie grows up, and begins to have a few thoughts of his or her own, mom can feel very threatened by this insubordination.

Suddenly the once-cuddly child is not so precious anymore. Johnny and Suzie no longer need mother as much, less so with each passing day, and now dear mom feels her job security draining away. Who will she be, she worries, "if I’m no longer needed as a mother?" She needn't worry. As a human being she enjoys a vast, uncharted human potential; however, quite dysfunctionally, her sense of self-worth has attached itself to a temporary narrow role she's playing; that of, “dutiful loving mother.”

the new unpardonable sin

Who could argue against motherhood? she consoles herself; but, “now you tell me I’m not needed anymore.” If a mom is not very careful, she might begin to see her own children as threats to her identity, to the role she’s been playing; and, in severe cases, she might become a life-long enemy to the child, whose unforgiveable sin had been that of growing up.

all egos want something from you

We’ll look at some other examples, but let’s remind ourselves of what we’re up against. All egos want something from you. We use the phrase “egoic.” This means that every thought and deed of the ego is tainted with an aspect of “self.” Other people are mere supporting players in a drama starring the ego; other people are evaluated in terms of “How can you enhance, add to, or support my sense of neediness?” When the other person “fits into my story,” then the ego will say, “I love you” or “we’re friends” or “you’re a good little boy or girl,” but the moment the enhancement ends, now you’re deemed to be a threat to the ego's fragile sense of self.

high school friends

Twenty-five years ago when my daughter was a young teen, I recall having a conversation about her friends at school, especially one good friend. She believed that her special friend would always be in her life. Feeling the need to offer a word of balance, I commented that most high school friends drift apart after graduation. This seemed a foreign concept to her. However, almost immediately after commencement, to her great dismay, the special friend no longer wanted to be friends. It seemed that she’d decided to adopt a lifestyle which, it was imagined, would be condemned by my daughter; consequently, the once-special friend not only drew back but assumed a position of animosity.

respected teachers

In high school I had taken a class from a particular teacher for three years. In my senior year, recognizing a schedule-conflict, I decided to break with this regimen in favor of studying physics.

Editor's note: This makes me smile. I didn't actually study physics, I mean, not so much. I attended class and pretended to be a physics student. My time of on-fire desire to study was still a few years away.

I still recall what happened next. I was sitting at a table in the lunchroom, filling out forms to sign up for various classes. The teacher in question, with an air of seeming friendliness, strolled by and stopped by my table. I informed him that I couldn’t be in his class this year. Upon learning of this “betrayal,” saying not a word, he immediately spun around and left me. For that entire coming year, he treated me as pariah and never looked at me again.

when you change your life-views, be prepared to lose your friends and family

Cult religions, cult politics, too, employ a technique of “shunning” if you dare to disagree with the status quo. If you become a thinking person, and begin to see alternative answers to ones subscribed to by those around you, "the group," you will become a threat to their world-paradigm. Family and friends will now flee from you and your poisonous ideas. In times past, you might have been near and dear to these loved ones, but, for most of them, almost all, you will now be counted as an agent of Satan. You’ve become a walking billboard, a continual reminder, to them of their lack of critical thinking; and they will hate you for this.

"To go against the dominant thinking of your friends, of most of the people you see every day, is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can have." Theodore H. White, The Making of the President 1960

in her head, she was already cutting the cake

In one of the featured vignettes of “The Perfect Mate,” the “Lincoln and Mary Todd” story, I offered dialogue between Kairissi and Elenchus which might add to our present discussion:

K. Women, led by the ego and biological impetus, can be just as scheming and disingenuous. John, at times, in his bio-madness, is consumed with the craving to plant seed; but Mary is just as neurotic and driven to want to nurture that seed. All of this works well to perpetuate the species, and Mother Nature is very pleased with the proceedings, but Madame Destiny is appalled by this tawdry display and proclaims that none of this, fundamentally, has a particle to do with true love.

E. The author told me a story or two from his younger days that supports what you say. At age 18, upon graduating from high school, he visited a boy-cousin in another state. The cousin arranged a double-date for them. The author’s date was a fine and pretty girl, smart, a good student, on her way to attend college in the fall to become a nurse; even so, he felt no compelling attraction toward her. Having attended a movie, at the end of the evening, upon dropping her off at her house, with a “good-bye” kiss on the cheek, she asked if they might write to each other. Half-heartedly, in politeness, he agreed. And she did write, and the letters were perfumed, as she spoke of the future suggestively. After a couple of these letters, discerning the imbalance of affections, but not in her favor, he forwarded his indication that they should no longer write. To his utter shock and great dismay, he received a reply most venomous, laced with “threatenings and slaughter.”

K. (sighing) She’d spent only three hours with him, decided she’d won the lottery, and had already set the wedding date and was even cutting cake. She really didn’t care so much for him as a person but only as a stepping-stone to that “good and well-ordered life” she’d been programmed to want.

E. He recounted another incident, in high school. A classmate was infatuated with him, but he did not recall ever even speaking with her. She crafted a plan to be alone with him. One night, after a school function, as he was driving away, another car pulled up alongside his. An upperclassman and his girlfriend were in the frontseat and in the backseat was the girl-in-question. The driver asked him if he wanted to park his car and avail himself of the awaiting company in the backseat. He declined the generous offer and drove away. However, this girl, mightily slighted by this rejection, became a lifetime nemesis.

K. (sighing) Look how easy it is to enrage a thwarted ego. You can be minding your own business, just trying to live your life, but when “Mary Todd” comes calling, trying to get you into bed, and you don’t want to play, now you’ve made an enemy for all time.

That’s right. You really don’t have to do anything to make a lifelong enemy of an ego. All you have to do is to fail to give what that ego wants. That’s more than enough to hate you with a special hatred.

“Why can’t I find my forever-soulmate?” is really the wrong question. We need to cast a wider net and ask, “Why can’t I find the eternal best friend, or the eternal motherly love, or the eternal good neighbor?”

Do you see? Every aspect of human interaction, what should be a natural “milk of human kindness,” sooner or later – and probably sooner rather than later – will break down if it’s managed by the dysfunctional ego.

The ego can’t help itself. It’s deep sense of neediness – the “I don’t have enough” because “I am not enough” – makes it insane; ego-insane. It’s helplessly relegated to the category of Jesus’ dictum, “They know not what they do.” Every thought and deed of the ego is laced with “How can you fit in with my story, how can you add something to my sense of incompleteness, how can you strengthen the role I’m playing which is designed to get what I want?”

Those who play along with the schemes of the ego are classified as "lover" or "good friend" or "good child" or "good student" or "good church member"; but those who fail to enhance the ego are shunned, hated, black-listed, and vilified.

Editor’s note: Adrian offered a comment:

Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain.

“The concept of the counterfeit comes up time and time again in Gnostic thought. It seems that falling in love has its counterfeit too when we look to others to assuage our inner distress. We place a heavy burden on them to make it better, and, when it fails, as it surely must, we blame them (and outer circumstances in general) for that failure. It seems there is no escaping the need for solitude, for in solitude we acknowledge responsibility for outer circumstances [rather than blaming] other people [who] are not doing something [which, we believe, makes] us unhappy. The unhappiness is there already, circumstances only reveal its presence. Then we get mad at the circumstances, missing the point. It must be disappointing for the ego to admit. [It believes: once you] get yourself figured out, then you will find right relationships. The ego insists that finding the right [and perfect] relationships will sort things out. [This is illusion, but] this [principle] could be applied, I think, to any ‘if only’ proposition: ‘If only I had more money, etc., etc.’”

While this is very hurtful to experience, it’s also rather predictable; once you see how the ego operates, nothing will surprise you anymore. The ego is not creative; not really; you can always count on it to advance itself at your expense. This gives rise to another saying, "The ego has no friends or lovers, only accomplices."

Editor’s note: And this is why it’s a truism that any dysfunctional ego, if sufficiently threatened and blinded, is potentially capable of any – yes, any – crime or atrocity ever committed in history. To see this bottomless pit of potential depravity is the beginning of true spirituality and the end of all elitism, of “I thank thee Lord that I am not like other men.”

Is everyone insane?

We’re reminded of the old joke of the aged Quaker couple. He says to her, “All the world is mad, Martha, but me and thee; but, sometimes I wonder about thee.”

This is very funny. But as I recount the litany of transgressions against me over the years, I must hasten to remind myself that I too, at times, have served as antagonist to others. There is a saying, and a true one, “A good man spends the second half of his life making up for the sins of the first half.” I know what this means.

Nevertheless, regarding the question “Is everyone insane?” I must offer a counterbalancing view. Yes, most people in this world are ego-insane, and await a better day of enlightenment; however, sometimes, not very often but sometimes, we’re shocked, this time, by something positive. Here and there, people do arise from the madness of the crowd; here and there, people do “come alive” and learn to live from their sacred centers.

When it happens, we remember it all of our lives, as a source of joy, and wonderment. I’m thinking of one of my relatives, in her old age, who offered me a mother’s love, and I knew it was genuine, and could never be mistaken as to its authenticity; and I recall another relative, an older man, who, in his old age, treated me like a son, was proud of me and rejoiced in me, and I could never be mistaken as to the authenticity; and I remember a classmate, who I’d not seen in a long time, who offered me genuine warmth and acceptance as a person, as she praised me for certain things of the past.

We are shocked at these occurrences of true love and do not expect them in this world where the ego dominates; but, when they happen, we are given a foretaste of life in the “real world,” a life of authentic love, on all levels of human interaction.

I am reminded of Jesus’ words in the New Testament. He’d been creating a stir with his controversial teachings, and someone said to him (paraphrased),

“Your relatives are outside – your mother and your siblings -- demanding to see you, to take you away. They’re embarrassed by you, and believe that you should be shut down. They say you’re crazy.” Jesus responded with, “Who is my mother and my siblings? I will tell you. My true mother and my true siblings are those who share my spirit; and these outside do not thus share, and have no part in me.”

Yes, some or many, even those very close to Jesus, said he was crazy. But "inmates running the asylum" is the norm in this world.

“Why can’t I find my forever-soulmate?”

This is what people really want to know. All the other loves are important, and we won’t ever want to give them up, but the love of the Sacred Beloved is “what we stay alive for.”

Why can’t we find her?

You might be saying, “I’m ready to be with her. I understand the evil of the ego, and I guard against it. So, is this not enough? Why can’t I find her?”

The issue is complex. She might not even be in this world; you might have to find her over there. Or maybe she is here, and you were around her at an earlier time, but you were too ego-insane then to recognize her. Or maybe she’s around you now, but, for the same reason, you cannot presently perceive her secret identity.

But, even if you are one of the few, right now, to have “eyes in your head,” this doesn’t mean that she’s presently ready and “sane.” She might not know you, or want to. Or, if she does know you, she might even hate you. Remember, the ego doesn’t need a good reason to hate someone; anything, some perceived slighting or threat, can set it off. And so the answer to “Why can’t I find my forever-soulmate?” is not so easy to negotiate.

And now you will want to ask another question.

“Can the coming-to-sanity process be augmented or speeded-up?”

The short answer is no. We’re talking about the soul "coming alive,” coming to better levels of awareness. The soul has its own timetable for awakening. There’s nothing you can “do” to trigger a greater sense of “being.”

The fact that you are reading these words might indicate that the “germination” process of the “seed” of the soul is likely under way. But not necessarily. Many people approach spirituality as one more item on a to-do list. They want to work at it. A lot of trying-very-hard and gritting-of-the-teeth, a straining to come alive. The ego loves “doing” and cannot comprehend a relaxing into “being.” I state this merely to highlight the systemic difficulty. But even this view is wrong. There is no “difficulty” in coming alive, just as the sprouting seed has no “difficulty” in sending out the first shoot. It just happens naturally, with no “German farm-boy” effort required.

However, all this aside, if your interest in these things finds itself burgeoning, you may very well have entered your time to “come alive.” If so, you must wait for your “better half” to engage the same.

In the meantime, your task will be that of strengthening yourself in terms of sanity. Just because the ego, for you, is down for the count, doesn’t mean that it won’t try to take you over, every day. Some days it will win, and you will feel discouraged, but you must start again. The mental habit patterns of egoic thinking, fortified over a lifetime of constant reinforcement, will not give up without a big fight.

keep coming at you

These temptations toward egocentrism will keep coming at you, and keep coming at you, with vigor, for some years to come. You will need to become mindful of the ego's wiles, as it will often seek to take you over, and back under, to the old ways of self-centeredness. Its forward momentum is very hard to slow down. It will take years of dedicated spiritual practise to neuter it.

And so, do not think that you have nothing to do until she comes. You have plenty to do; not just for yourself, but you'll need to strengthen yourself for her, as well, in advance of that day when the Spirit Guides finally deem you ready, mature enough, to enter your anticipated eternal life of extreme delight; at least, to see it on the horizon. And so, at the right time, for all concerned, they will bring her to you -- with your first order of business, probably, that of helping her to overcome the long-entrenched insanity: the fears, the self-loathing, the guilt, the sense of not-enough. It's unlikely to be all "hearts and flowers" from day one; but, she will be yours, you'll finally be with her and will be glad of it, on any basis. 

Elizabeth and Robert

It will be as Elizabeth said of Robert,

Do you know that … I was frightened of you? … I felt as if you had a power over me and meant to use it, and that I could not breathe or speak very differently from what you chose to make me... But the power was used upon me – and I saw … very early … that you had come here to love whomever you should find [the spirit revealed in my writings; no matter my faults or imperfections, as you loved these, too; you loved me "not for a reason"; further, my early attempts at self-effacement and deflecting your love] had just operated in making you more determined [to reach me]…

And so, here she comes, not exactly the way Hollywood pictured the debut, but the ancient Spirit Guides will finally honor your prayers to be with her, your long dreamed-about "forever-soulmate."

They say that you will be her "Wisdom"; that you shall love "whomever you shall find, no matter the faults and imperfections," and that you will have a "power over her" to reconstruct a battered sense of self, by encouraging and cherishing her; they say that you will "draw life and give it back again," and now you know what this means.

Editor's last word:

Editor's Essay: What Men Really Want