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Word Gems 

exploring self-realization, sacred personhood, and full humanity

Soulmate, Myself:
The Perfect Mate

Mildred and Philip

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anatomy of obsession

Philip (Leslie Howard) and Mildred (Bette Davis) in the 1934 movie version of W. Somerset Maugham's 1915 novel, Of Human Bondage

"Philip wants to be a doctor. Philip enjoys his studies but is distracted from them when he falls in love with an unpleasant waitress. Philip knows this girl is below him and finds her unattractive, but he feels a passionate love for her that he cannot shake. This girl, Mildred, does not return Philip's affections, but has no problem allowing him to take her out and buy her expensive things. Mildred even allows Philip the occasional kiss, making him feel as though there might be hope that one day she will fall in love with him. However, this dream is shattered when Mildred tells him she is to marry another man." (bookrags.com)

"Maugham had borrowed the title of his book from Spinoza. Part IV of his Ethics is titled Of 'Human Bondage, or the Strength of the Emotions' (Latin: De servitute humana seu de affectuum viribus). In this part, Spinoza discusses people's inability to control their emotions which, thus, constitute bondage. He also defines good and bad categories based on the people’s general beliefs, connecting it to their 'emotions of pleasure or pain'. He defines perfectness/imperfectness starting out from the desire, in its meaning of particular aims and plans." (Wikipedia) 

Elenchus. “Of Human Bondage” is an early variant of “Fatal Attraction.”

Kairissi. Mildred and Philip offer us forum to define several dysfunctional copies of true love.

E. Please list some of these pale shadows, Kriss.

K. Lust, crush, infatuation, obsession, and love form the rogue’s gallery – and, yes, even the latter, as worldly view of love, is just one more expression of pathology.

E. Let’s begin our analysis by saying that these five diseased versions of authentic romance represent a sliding scale, a continuum of more-or-less, of the same basic problem.

K. And what is that basic problem?

E. It’s our old friend, the psychological neediness of the False Self, the inner clamoring of “I don’t have enough” because “I am not enough.” It’s the attempt to find one’s sense of wholeness and completeness through another person – a sexual partner as proxy for personal evolvement.

K. These five “fake news” interpretations of true love make for a very big subject. Can we do it justice here?

E. While psychologists will fill their volumes, I think we can speak concisely to the heart of the matter. Start us off, Kriss, and explain to our readers the meaning of the word “lust.”

K. I would say that “lust” is pure “call of the wild,” Mother Nature on a spree, doing what she does best, propagating the human species.

E. It gets rave reviews in certain quarters. But here’s a question: Can we experience lust without infatuation?

K. I think we can. As we’ll see, infatuation is a step farther along the road of convolution. But lust is simple. It’s “quick and dirty.” It’s just – and I hate this expression – “slam, bam, thank you m’am.”

E. At least he’s polite.

K. And his theme song is, “Hello, I Love You, Won’t You Tell Me Your Name.”

E. It is a step up, though, you have to admit, from the Beatles’, “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road.”

K. Uh-huh. Charmed, I’m sure.

E. Ok, then. So, explain it to me, this “crush” and “infatuation.”

K. I think they’re essentially the same thing, with “crush” as the hot-flash, “instant coffee.” Infatuation can last longer, even, many months.

E. The Latin root of “infatuation” is “to make a fool of.”

K. As the song goes, “Love makes fools of everyone.” But that’s the result, not the process.

E. Tell me about the process.

K. Infatuation is more than lust for another’s body. It includes that, but now desire expands its purview to include other aspects of life. We image the longed-for person with us, helping us, enhancing us.

E. Tolle calls this integration of a desired person to one's life as a “fitting in with my story.”

K. We begin to visualize how the hoped-for lover will complete us. “Crush” and “infatuation” are pretty normal, just part of growing up and finding oneself. But, like a summer rain-storm, these usually pass fairly quickly; psychologists say, at the outside, not more than many months. But “obsession” injects an element of darkness; it’s more than “I met a new boy in the neighborhood, and something tells me I’m into something good.”

E. “Obsession” takes us farther down the road of the Little Me’s neediness.

K. There’s a saying, “neurotics build sand-castles in the air,” but “psychotics move in.” “Crush” and “infatuation” might be a little on the neurotic side, but nothing to call out the state militia for. However, “obsession” steps over the line into psychosis, a serious breach of interpreting reality. In this category we find the mentally unbalanced, the stalkers, the seriously delusional.

E. “Of Human Bondage” portrays Philip as caught in the thrall of Mildred. Ok, so he fell in love with her, we can forgive him for that, but his big problem is that she’s so obviously playing him and stringing him along. It’s so in-your-face. And even he knows this, really, however for a long time he just can’t break the wicked witch’s spell and escape her clutches.

K. “Obsession” represents a severe ego-attachment to another person. “Attachment” means you’ve identified with, you get your sense of self-worth from, the other person. It means you feel “no good” unless the sought-for person accepts you.

E. The dysfunctional ego, believing itself to be “not enough,” desperately wants to enhance itself, complete itself, through the other person. All of this becomes obsession when there’s no evidence, no visible sign of hope, of being with the other person. This is more than becoming infatuation’s “fool.” This is insanity, a grave decoupling from reality.

E. Philip’s obsession with Mildred causes him to throw away his career goals to study medicine. He puts his future on hold and makes bad choice after bad choice. He can’t seem to stop even though he’s ruining himself.

K. (sighing) And so, tell us now about the fifth suspect in the rogue’s gallery -- the world’s definition of love.

E. Well, of course, we’ve spent books discussing this, but I think I can add a new aspect. The world tends to define true love as a kind of reaction to, on the rebound from, the first four errors.

K. Ok, that’s interesting. Explain more about “on the rebound.”

E. I think the world would say this: “Lust is so animalistic. I mean, to want another’s beautiful body could seem as something low and base for humans who should be led by rational thought and high-mindedness. And, crush and infatuation, well, that just kids’ stuff. That’s what happens to you in sixth grade or high school. It’s just pie-in-the-sky and we need to get over it, grow up, and look for the deeper relationship.”

K. You know what this reminds me of? – John and Mary’s soliloquies on their wedding day.

E. They were giving themselves pep-talks that they'd arrived at a more realistic view so as not to expect too much from being married.

K. Well, we can hardly wait for that flat soda-pop -- but keep going with your analysis of the worldly view.

E. We don’t need to say much about obsession because, clearly, there’s something wrong with you if you want another person to the point of denial of essential self. Let’s get realistic here, says the world. There’re lots of fish in the sea, so why obsess, anyway? Just get over it, pal, there’s always another pretty face to meet. In any case, the thrill of "love" fades very quickly.

K. I’m truly touched by your views, and I suddenly realize that my sand-castle is just a little too small to have you over.

E. And so, it’s sort of like Elvis’ song with so-called wise men saying, only fools rush in' and expect too much from romance. We have to put away all of the immature views of eros, the world says, and get down to the business of life. The real love, John and Mary conclude, is about serving another, about helping someone else, about raising kids, about living an upright life, about holding down a job to feed your family, and then growing old together. That’s what real marriage is about, and all this early-stage stuff is just a rush of brain chemicals that leads only to disappointment.

K. No wonder marriage is in decline with so many just living together.

E. Will you live with me? -- said he obsessively.

K. My sand-castle or yours?

E. (softly laughing) We’ll argue about this later. But here’s the weird thing about this worldly view. None of the five views of romantic attraction is correct.

K. That is odd, isn’t it? No one gets it right.

E. Most people who are half-way mature would agree that there’s something wrong with the first four views.

K. And, if this is correct, then where does this leave us? It would seem that, by default, we are forced to accept what the world calls "love" as the better and wise choice.

E. But it doesn't work that way.

K. That is weird.

E. The pitfalls of immature love are not healed simply by moving to the opposite end of the spectrum. In other words, from animal lust all the way to minimizing the pleasures of the body; or, from identifying with another person and the pleasures that he or she might offer to other end of the continuum with sterile detachment and not expecting any more fireworks.

K. The good answer isn’t to be found on that worldly/materialistic continuum – do you know what I’m thinking now?

E. I'll bet it's “something never seen before.”

K. The true love is totally outside the realm of mundane human experience. It's not on the John-and-Mary continuum at all. And, of course, we have a whole book, “The Wedding Song,” discussing this new gift from Heaven, a channeled message from the Troubadour Spirit Guides.

E. This is all counter-intuitive and turns common wisdom on its head. There is no diminishment of animal pleasures in the eternal romance. There is no lessening of wild delight to envision a Beloved as the fulfillment of every desire. True love offers every allure from the common view but then adds a whole new dimension "never seen before."

K. This is very interesting, and I really like this, Ellus. But tell me – is there some proper expression even for “obsession”?

E. In a sense, yes, although we won’t want to call it “obsession” as this word brings with it too much negative baggage.

K. And how is it the same?

E. These things are hard to explain and put into words. But, the true love is a “marriage of spirits.” It is an intertwining of minds, hopes, plans, desires, goals. This means that one cannot move forward in one’s life – not in any meaningful sense – without the Sacred Beloved.

K. She needs him as the air she breathes, and he needs her in the same way. And yet, this is not the neediness of the ego. We discussed this in "Prometheus."

E. These are authentic needs, the needs of the soul, that which define our humanity and destiny to become sons and daughters of God. It means that, despite all the dazzling opportunities in Summerland for thrill, advancement, and fun – the travel, the education, the recreations, the concerts, the friends – none of it, after a time, will help us if you don’t have your true mate with you; for, as Spirit-Guide Margaret informs us, without true romance, we will not find our full-bodied happiness in heaven. This means, without your true mate, sooner or later, you will crash and bring to yourself existential crisis.

K. We often hear from the Spirit Guides that the real romance is unending, eternal. This is quite a statement, but no one on Earth who hasn’t had a taste of the real thing will believe this. They’re still thinking in terms of the “crush” or “infatuation” that burned itself out, and so they’re jaded. They think they really know about this, but they don’t. Ellus, what can we say about the “marriage of spirits,” the intertwining of minds, hopes, dreams, goals, that will help people understand that this is not just another flash-in-the-pan romantic thrill?

E. It's difficult. We look at “obsession” and might be tempted to say, “Ok, it’s a perverted thing, but, even so, it’s probably the strongest example of love we have.” But this is wrong. It doesn’t come near to the sense of melded-union, of intermingling of persons, that true lovers come to know.

K. I feel that what you say is right, Ellus, but… no one will believe us.

E. It's really hard to imagine something totally outside your scope of experience. There’s nothing to compare it to. There's no metaphor, no new invention of the mechancial pump, as we discussed in "The Wedding Song."

K. It’s “something never seen before.”

E. The best we can do here is to offer a “sign-post” so that when lightning finally strikes for each person, they might remember what they learned today.

Elenchus. I’d like to offer a postscript on the issue of unending, eternal romance.

Kairissi. Please.

E. I feel frustrated because most of our readers will not have had a glimpse of this gift, and so some might nod in polite agreement but more in hopeful anticipation than visceral empathy. I understand that. I was the same way before that moment when I “found out about you,” when I realized who you are to me.

K. (silence)

E. I know it’s “something never seen before,” but let me try to explain one more time, from another angle… In our early days, I didn’t like you that much. And you gave me reason not to like you.

K. (sighing)

E. It wasn't your fault, we were both pretty immature then. Nevertheless, I went through a long period in my life of “trying to get rid of you.” I don’t mean just geographically, as that’s easily solved, but I mean emotionally, the memories of you. I succeeded in “putting you away,” out of my mind, for some time, by distracting myself with duties and studies.

Henry C. Wright, mystic and spiritualist minister, speaking of Twin Souls: "They know not how nor why they are thus blended, since it came by no will or effort of their own. As they did not will themselves into this union, they cannot will themselves out of it."

E. But a time came when repression no longer worked for me. Your memory rose up within me and demanded my attention. And I was helpless to “stop you.” Other annoying girls from the past I dismissed fairly readily. I got rid of the lingering infatuation, and they never gained traction again. And I thought the same would be true with you. But it didn’t work out that way. No matter how hard I tried, or ginned myself up to dislike you, I couldn’t put you out of my mind.

K. I’m suddenly seeing that your soul-bond with me was assaulting you. We have said that the “marriage of spirits” is no legal fiction, no empty ritual. It’s not like getting confirmed or baptized or even married at church, and then you feel nothing, nothing’s happened. It’s not like that. The true union of spirits will rock your world and shake you up and down so silly!

E. Yes… and you’re right… and so, later, when I finally stopped “fighting you” in my spirit and began to realize who and what you are to me, it became plain that my inability to “be rid of you” is the flip side of the cosmic energy and power that is meant to keep us in fervent romance, for all eternity. I couldn’t get rid of you when I didn't like you and desperately wanted to be rid of you, and now I perceive that, in our times of happiness to come, I will not lose you, my feelings for you will not diminish, that is, I will not be “rid of you” nor lose you in those coming times of bliss.

K. Our discussion of the five checkered views of love reminds me of the common error of “resume shopping.” Ellus, we have learned that true love is not a choice as such, although it could be said that one’s true mate is one’s soul’s choice. And so, though it sounds strange from a worldly point of view, I was not your “first choice.”

E. (silence)

K. I know who your “first choice” is. And I have to admit, if I were an outsider looking at you two, I’d say, yes, she is the perfect girl for you. Not only is she beautiful, but she’s intellectual, thoughtful, gracious, artistic, cultured and refined. She’s perfect for you. And she has feelings for you, too. You've heard it in her voice.

E. She has everything – except a soul-bond with me.

K. Oh, that little thing.

E. But, actually, you have all those other fine qualities too, it's just that, early on, you worked so hard to cover them up.

K. (sighing) It’s so strange... I am the girl you didn’t want but the one you were meant and ought to love. And she is the girl you did want, or thought you wanted, but the one you ought not to love.

E. On the level of personality, she might have been my choice… but, eventually, we would have been miserable together because I did not have a true affinity with her to make a relationship last a long time. Even worse, after a time, I would have realized you were absent and would have begun to yearn for you -- and then there would have been suffering all around.

K. (softly) It's better to be alone, waiting for the the true one to come. All this reminds us of Jesus’ instruction on marriage -- the true marriage that cannot be “sundered” in this world or the next…