exploring self-realization, sacred personhood, and full humanity
24: Final Lament: Silence And Tears
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[lying in bed]
E. (sighing) Krissi… my soul is cast down… I am so low.
K. (softly) What are you feeling, Dearest?
E. This is not how I thought it would be… Lateece is right… it’s far more
dangerous… more terrible… than I imagined.
K. (sighing) What do you see?
E. I’ve been very naïve… very foolish… I’m thinking back to that day when
I encouraged us to visit the MLP board… you said I’m the sort of person
to risk suffering in order to gain more love for us… but… in my bravado,
I didn’t know what I was getting into.
K. (very softly) Darling Dear… it is your nature to be confident in facing
hard things… it is your strength.
E. Thank you, Dear, but… confidence without knowledge is just bluster…
I knew this trip would be difficult, but I thought I could face it, handle it,
with my so-called “military discipline.” I thought grit and determination
would see me through; even, that I could be strong enough for both of
us… but I don’t feel so self-assured now.
K. Ellus… as you once said to me… if you can’t go through with this,
then I won’t go either… even at this late hour, we could still jettison the
mission… no one is forcing us to do anything.
E. Thank you, Darling Dear… but… we should go… we must go… the fact of the matter is… I really don’t have that much to offer you in my present immature state.
E. I don’t like what I see in a deeper part of myself… my heart is churning
and boiling… with all sorts of fears and dark energy… I didn’t even know
K. (softly) They told us it would be this way… they said we needed to
meet the evil within… we needed to grow in self-knowledge.
E. They warned us repeatedly… about how the small ego runs our lives,
how we’re not even loving each other as Twins but just as any “John
and Mary” on the street… (sighing) but… I didn’t really believe them… I
was secretly trusting in my own ill-based goodness… I deceived myself
in thinking that general rules don’t apply to me.
K. (very softly) Darling Dear… why is all this coming from you just now?
– the negative energy of the Earth is still far away.
E. (deeply sighing) I’m starting to see more.
K. (softly) Tell me what you see.
E. It’s the “betrayal incident”… I know they said it’s the worst possible
“nightmare,” but I consoled myself to imagine that “military” grit and
determination would make “bullets bounce off.”
K. (softly) But, Darling, in your defense, they also said that our innate
love, and our resolve to live in it, would be a factor in overcoming any
E. That may be true; however, I think I credited too much stalwart-spirit
to my account. Darling Dearest… our Guides are not fools, nor are they
wont to engage in sensationalism when they say that this enterprise is
potentially deadly and might threaten our very sanity.
E. Ironically… the more I create an identity for myself as a “good soldier
boy,” the more potentially dysfunctional, and prideful, I become – the less able to face the coming gauntlet… the more likely to fall down and slip into what Lateece called “madness maddened.”
K. (softly) I think it’s a good thing to have grit and determination. I like
that aspect of you. What has changed in your thinking, Ellus? Why are
you so burdened by this more than before?
E. Lateece used the metaphor of Superman -- strength of moral character, tenacity, and mettle can be tremendous assets; but… self-assured virtue might also become “green kryptonite.”
K. (very softly) What do you mean, Dear?
E. A “good person” – as one more mask of the small ego – has more to
defend, more to lose, more basis to proclaim, “I thank thee Lord that
I am not like other men”… and now I see a broad-spectrum potential
“madness maddened” lurking in the “betrayal incident.”
K. (softly) What is the epicenter of danger?
E. Our Troubadour Guides will arrange the “betrayal incident” for
maximum impact… they said we’ll get our “money’s worth” – that’s
suddenly sounding more ominous.
K. (softly) A great teaching-moment of our eternal lives.
E. A teaching with an unwelcomed message.
K. (softly) What do you see?
E. We’ll part ways after high school. But there will be no tearful
departure. Remember what Day Star said about Twins coming together
prematurely, without having "activated" their eternal soul-affinity?
K. (softly) She said they’d be like any “John and Mary” and would drift
apart – and stay apart – until a time of greater consciousness.
E. We didn’t believe her. But we’re going to be virtual enemies in high
school! We won’t even talk during that entire time! You know what really
bothers me about that? – it’s the utter anomaly. How can I feel all that I
feel right now, and all that I will feel near the end of mortal life, but feel
so little during high school? That’s a very wide gap, Baby Doll. How is that even possible? How could I go so dark like that? What's wrong with me?
K. (deeply sighing)
E. I can feel my seething rage during those latter teen years. But I will
force it underground, with it manifesting as a generalized state of
depression. I will be an angry young man… but I won’t know why… that
is, I won’t allow myself to know.
K. We won’t allow ourselves certain self-knowledge as the pain of losing each other will overwhelm. We'll try to protect ourselves from the pain by proclaiming "sour grapes." And in this state of mutual antipathy, we will be “dead to each other” for ensuing decades.
E. Ensuing decades of losing each other! – try to feel the darkness of
what that means.
K. (sighing) As Day Star warned, we’ll “stay apart” – for a long time… 50
years, 60 years, or more.
E. Betrayal, they say, will come in the form of rejection. This means, I believe, in my latter years, in order for me to feel rejected, I’ll need to have finally “opened my eyes,” to have perceived who you are to me. It will be like what Anne of Green Gables experienced with her “open book of Revelation” toward Gilbert.
K. She was very angry, too… angry with him, for a long time. But her
anger turned into blackest despair when she realized what she’d done, that she herself had driven him away.
E. I’m not so optimistic for us about that anger. Let me continue to add
stage props… it’s 50 years or more since I’ve seen you… and now, finally, I devise some means by which you receive contact from me. Prompted by the blaze of love’s insight, that “open book of Revelation,” an unexpected voice from “the wilderness of our lost years” announces to you – out of the blue, lo and behold! – that you are the girl I have always loved! Imagine yourself then, how shocked you will be to hear from me.
K. (sighing) Not just that you “love” me but that you’ve “always loved”
me! – even though you will have ignored me for much of our growing-up
years! How will that sell?
E. (sighing) When I finally “come to” my true feelings for you, so many
years after the fact, it will all seem to be a ludicrous proposition – to me,
but especially to you.
K. (softly) Soul-pledges are eternal and live in that timeless world we
E. (sighing) Thank you for the defense; but… the girl who is speaking to
me now will not be the same awareness confronting me in that time of
K. (softly) Yes… I understand.
E. (sighing) When I come to you, you will not be able to receive me.
K. If Day Star and Big Water make good on their threat for you to be
rejected, then we should expect a less than convivial response from me.
E. I think we can bet on it. It will be very strange for me; because, in early
days, you will have been the forthcoming one. And I will still mentally
see you that way, as the proactive agent of our love… but… now, at the
end, we’ll have switched roles – I, the forthcoming one, and you, the
one who rejects.
K. (sighing) What a nightmare it all is, Dear – each of us taking a turn at
“making an announcement”… each of us feeling the sting of rejection…
I can already feel the embarrassment and humiliation.
E. This is the “epicenter of danger” you asked about.
K. (sighing) Imagine spilling my heart to a non-responding glassy-eyed
teen boy! … (sighing) imagine telling him very intimate things which I will have presumed he’d want to hear – but then to realize that my conversation was all one-sided. How utterly disconcerting. And how hurtful.
E. Embarrassment and humiliation can quickly morph into rage and deep
anger, a feeling of having been slighted and disrespected; which is to
say – rejected.
K. How easy it will be for the Guides to “pull our strings.”
E. Our Guides know our precise weak spots and can readily “get a rise”
from us with a well-placed threat to the ego. But fast-forward some
decades now to my own “turn” and picture yourself receiving word from
me. There you are, in your well-ordered life, suffering sudden disruption
from my “announcement.”
K. My so-called “well-ordered life” … without you.
E. But it won’t seem anomalous in those moments; I’ll be an intruder… as
you will have “buried me” a long time ago, having expunged or repressed
all memory of me.
K. (softly) Only “repressed,” Dear, as shelter from the pain of past
rejection and loss; not “expunged” – that will not be possible.
K. But, of course, I will be shocked to hear from you after so many years
of silence. Think of the aspect of unlikelihood in your communication, I mean, in light of what didn’t happen in our lives: we will not have been romantic mates in high school; we’ll not have had a single date, not one kiss or even holding hands – no “sexual interdigitation.”
E. (sighing) Right.
K. It’s not so unusual – it happens a lot, actually – for an “old flame” to
contact a lost love; but… it will be asked… where is the evidence that we
ever meant anything to each other? – which will beg the question, what
right does he have to abruptly contact a woman, 50 years after high
school, with a “big announcement”?
E. As I said, it’s my “ludicrous proposition.” And even our very real "constructive assent" will not persuade you in those latter days of anger. This is where the “epicenter of danger” can easily become my deadly “green kryptonite.” If she were to graciously and politely inform me that now is not the time for contact, that would be one thing – I could accept that; but if I terrify her with my "big announcement," and if she’s unkind, disrespectful, or even vicious in her rejection, that will be exceedingly
difficult for me.
the ludicrous proposition
Not every pair of lovers enjoys a conventional time of gradually entering into ostensible signs of their inner affinity. They may not be able to recount a first kiss, a first date, their evening at the prom, a period of seeing each other more and more, a progressive unfolding of greater intimacy. But this deficit does not mean that they might not share a long history of their love.
The movie, “The Remains Of The Day,” speaks to a class of lovers who lack any overt manifestation of traditional romantic gradualism in terms of coming together. A third-party observer - and they themselves - might charge, "You have no history together!" And yet, even so, two might be as bound, a sacred "union of spirits," as any true couple.
How did this happen for the romantics in "Remains"? Their apparent separation and distancing was caused by immaturity, role-playing, repression of feelings, anger, disingenuity, fear, petulance, hiding, rage, peer and societal expectations, cultural conditioning, false values. For them, everything was beneath the surface: boiling, churning, seething - but all kept on a short leash. He, especially, was guilty. She saw things clearly and repeatedly tried to reach him, but he could not respond.
Later, in frustration, unwilling to wait the more, she married someone else, someone she did not truly love, to salvage some dubious prospect of happiness in life. This proved disastrous. She quickly realized she’d made things worse, a compounding of her misery.
Finally, but only later, he woke up and was able to admit, primarily to himself, what she meant to him. He realized that she was the "voice meant to answer mine back." He tried to reach her, went to her, and she was not altogether unwilling; however, by this time, life having become so complicated with attendant duties, they both sorrowfully agreed that coming together at such late stage would be inadvisable for all concerned.
Is this not why God created Summerland? It's a place where history, with its ludicrous propositions, is rewritten.
Final note: Usually, when people speak of “losing” someone they love, we imagine them, in earlier, happier days, having been together, enjoying close relationship. But “Remains” instructs us that this formulaic view is not necessarily a universal principle. Souls can be in union even when surface personalities have not yet gotten the memo. As Anthony Hopkins’ character learned, you can lose someone, grieve for her every day, as the one you “ought” to have been with. Ludicrously, yours...
E. In her small-ego fears of disruption to “well-ordered life,” if she
becomes viciously angry, she might try to vilify me, to manufacture
cause, suggesting that, after so long a time, only an unbalanced,
mentally-disturbed person, suffering under psychological fixation and
fetish, would invent fancies of supposed basis for romance.
K. (sighing) Any talk of that sort would hurt you more deeply than
anything else in your entire life.
E. (sighing) I’d be getting my “money’s worth,” for sure; but the ensuing
peril could be even more threatening to you – as cruel and malicious
response to the “announcement” could send you to “Dark Detention”
when you cross over.
K. (deeply sighing)
E. But, in truth, I will suffer the same risk of entering Darkness.
K. (softly) If this were so, ours would be a “marriage made in hell.”
E. It could happen – Lateece warned us about this. If the “good soldier
boy” were to be thus maliciously accused, if his moral virtue -- for which he prides himself -- were to be reviled and maligned, such impugning of character, and resultant sense of injustice, could easily spin out of control for him into a "madness maddened" -- sending him to insanity.
K. (sighing) “The vice of the virtuous.”
E. Yes… for me, that “vice” would be a hidden self-righteousness. I
will have counted myself a virtuous person – a self-adopted identity;
and if the girl I love were to attack that mental-image, I might become
so outraged at this perceived inequity as to slip across the line into the
K. (softly) I know that you need and crave my love and approval; and…
if I were to deprive you of that affirmation, especially, in a gross and sordid way… I can see how you might stumble into “madness maddened”… an extreme “ego-repair” mechanism to “save face” … you would be tempted to hate me… even with an all-consuming hatred.
E. (softly) It’s the one thing a proud “good soldier boy” can’t handle… and
that’s why I’m worried about this.
K. (sighing) I’m seeing what the Guides mean about meeting the evil
within and how we deceive ourselves by playing the role of the “good
E. (sighing) That kind of hurtful rejection would seem so unfair to me,
and would be so unexpected, because… as kids… we will have shared what I will later deem to be the happiest times of my entire life.
K. (softly) The promised “peak moments”! – I “bargained” for these with
Day Star. I thought they would be for our happiness… but… I had no idea
they might be cause for great stumbling.
E. We also wondered if we might “pay too much” in that bargaining.
Nevertheless, as an old man, the joyous “peak” memories will convince
me, more than anything else, that we in fact are lovers after all, despite
the paucity of surface-evidence.
K. (sighing) It’s the “constructive assent.” It’s the non-verbal “meeting
of the minds.”
E. (sighing) If I'm sane enough to perceive the process then, the “constructive assent,” the great joy, will become my proof, my title-deed, to the reality of our love… and it won’t matter that I hadn’t been coherent enough as a boy even to hold your hand.
(silence) (holding each other in the darkness)
K. (very softly) Elenchus, do you think you’ll be pushed over the line into “madness maddened”?
E. (sighing) At times… I'm afraid... I think I might… and I could come to hate you; in those darkest hours, I could lash out and rage, to you and the universe, that “I will never see you again, in this world or the next”… with the only remaining question… will I recover myself from the “madness
maddened”… or send myself to Dark Detention?
K. (sighing) If you grow to hate me, then this assuredly means, in truth, that we never knew, never accessed, the real Twin-love… which is just what Lateece and Day Star were trying to warn me of… but… I wouldn’t listen.
K. (softly) I wish I could speak to that too-late-for-love angry man…
(sighing) I wish I could tell him that the young girl who once loved him
has not died.
E. (very softly) Despite all of the out-of-phase chaos, all of the hurt and
rejection, I will at least have achieved something important… important to
me. For once in my life, I will have finally told her, I will have finally found
my voice and told her what’s in my deepest heart… and even though it
will take most of my life to do so… and even though it will all go wrong
when I do… at least I will offer myself the self-respect, the peace of mind,
of having told her that I love her… plainly and openly, finally told her…
and then I’ll be ready… my grey-head can then go down to the grave,
having said and done the only thing it ever wanted to say or do.
K. (very softly weeping)
K. (deeply sighing) I wish I could tell that angry man that… nothing on the
Earth-plane ultimately matters… nothing there is real… it’s all reversible
E. You say “nothing there is real… it’s all reversible and provisional.” And
I know what you mean, and it’s true… but… how strange the process!
– to perceive all this impermanence but only within the context of our
sacred eternal love! How tragic that it will take a lifetime of losing each other, and a bitter and poisonous mutual rejection, to help us realize what is true and real! – but out of the ashes of misspent youth, and dead-on-arrival teen romance, we will finally, at the end, after all the chaos and destruction, open our eyes to the only thing that matters, or ever mattered -- the only thing we’ll care to preserve from the disastrous Earth-trip. We’ll know who we are to each other.
K. (softly) In the nature of things, could our spirits evolve any other way?
– could we truly understand the meaning of warm without the cold?
the light without the darkness? the evil without the good?
K. (softly) A diamond sparkles most brilliantly against the backdrop of a
(silence) (holding each other in the darkness)
E. (softly) Big Water said we’ll yet find value in being led to a place of
utter despair and painful questioning: “My God, why have you forsaken
me?” Dear… I hadn’t seen this before, but… the word “forsaken” could be replaced by “betrayed” without changing the meaning.
K. (very softly) Explain it to me.
E. When we think of Brother Joshua’s betrayal-incident, Judas
automatically comes to mind; but… Judas was just a small player in the ordeal; fundamentally, Joshua was feeling betrayed by God!
K. (sighing) That’s an important insight. Our betrayal-incident will help
us “make our music pure,” not just in reference to ourselves but, on a
more basic level, also to God.
E. Your analogy of the diamond sparkling more brilliantly against a black
background is very instructive. Lateece said that, with everything so
wonderful here in Summerland, the soul’s primal call to know itself might
be lost in the glare of external spectacle.
K. How strange, Ellus! – even good things, even Twins’ natural affinity,
might devolve to so much vulgar distraction from our first duty as
children of God, that of self-knowledge, the soul coming to know itself. That has to be given first-priority.
E. The difficult Earth-world is a primary classroom geared to “know thyself.” Mortals are often alone, utterly alone, and – as you once used the phrase -- without “parades and pageantry.”
K. (sighing) It’s meant to be that way, isn’t it? – we need to hear that
“primal call of the soul to know itself,” and it’s really hard to hear it in
Summerland – especially hard for Twins who so naturally live for each
other – but we’re seeing that before Twins can enjoy that heightened
sense of spiritual romance, they must first come to know their own souls. How strange, Ellus!
(silence) (holding each other in the darkness)
E. (softly) I feel so disoriented, My Love… I am confident, yet
apprehensive… joyful, but filled with sadness… I want to rush out and
make good on our new opportunities for growth, but I also want to stay
here and just hold you and never let you go… but… the greatest paradox
of all… the one that utterly unbalances me… is to realize… that you
are the one… the only one… who can teach me about both the light and the darkness… the good and the evil… the extreme delight and the madness maddened – how is that possible, Dear? How can you show me both sides like that?
K. (very softly) I don’t think it’s so much that I show you one or the
other, but that… I am meant to help you see all things… as you grow in
(silence) (holding each other in the darkness)
K. (very softly) I’m just wondering what might happen exactly to elicit
such a strong reaction from that teen girl. Why doesn’t she even look at
him all during high school?
E. Teens tend to be very emotional anyway.
K. Yes, I know, but… the “embarrassment and humiliation” seems way over the top. Something especially disturbing would have to set that off.
E. (sighing) Well... there could be one thing… you’ll recall Big Water’s reference to the movie, “My Girl.”
E. I don’t know much about it, but I’ve heard there’s a famous episode
where the young girl tells the boy about changes in her body.
E. It’s called “the period scene” – I think it’s on the Earth’s “youtube.”
K. (softly) We’ve talked about being drawn into a universal matrix of
common lessons to be learned. I think it’s only natural for a girl to tell the
boy she loves about a momentous event in her life.
E. Yes, of course, but… think about what would need to be in place for
that to occur. Not only would she need to be in love with him, but she’d
also imagine her “big announcement” to be met with a good measure
of interest and shared happiness. But what do you think might happen
if he’s too “green” and undeveloped to receive her? Imagine her bubbly
self, all excited to tell the boy she loves that she’s now a woman, and
what if he showed no reaction? – and acted like she’d just commented
on the weather?
K. Ohhh, that would be so devastating to her… Oh, Darling… she’d be so
embarrassed and humiliated!
E. She would have courageously put her dignity on the line, bared her
heart, her most intimate thoughts, only to realize that she was talking
to a stupid boy!
K. (deeply sighing) In such a case… no wonder she might not be able to talk to him or look at him all through high school!
E. (deeply sighing)
E. (softly) I can see that old man… that grey-head… alone with his
thoughts about what happened, and what didn’t… he’ll have many
regrets… but near the top of that list will be his wish, if it were possible,
to talk to that “young girl”… his lost “My Girl”… first of all, to thank her
for being so brave in coming to him, and risking so much; but… even
more… to express his sorrow for letting her down when she needed him
to share her joy.
K. (deeply sighing)
K. (softly) I think… there will be enough sorrow to go around for both of
us… we’ll both have had a turn with a “big announcement”… both enduring a turn at being rejected after heartfelt offerings of love… (sighing) with so much “embarrassment and humiliation” suffusing all of it, for both of us.
E. (softly) In my secret worries about this… after all of the misperceptions, the blinding anger, the outrage, the missed opportunities, the losing each other, all of the out-of-phase "one being ready and the other not" and then the ironical madness of switching roles… after all that, how will we dare to see each other again?
K. That's a frightening thought... that we could become so estranged, with hurt feelings so painful, as to treat each other as enemies.
E. The past affronts to dignity will feel like scars and deep wounds upon the heart… After those 50 years of separation, I often wonder what I would say to her after so long a time… but… I now realize… I’ll not be able to say anything… instead, it will be as Lord Byron wrote of his lost love… I will meet her “with silence and with tears.”
K. (deeply sighing)
K. (speaking in a near-whisper) You are my Friend and Guide, Elenchus... my Darling Companion for all time, to explore life and love, the universe and all mysteries. But let me share something, while I still can… just hold me close now… hold me like you will soon lose me… Oh, Dearest Elenchus… I see myself now, in a lonely bedroom, haunted by 3 AM shadows, and I am missing you so. The sense of loss readily overwhelms. And I am debating whether I should continue to live in a world without you. In those late nights, I will be wishing for the morning, and in the morning, I will long for the evening. I won't know what to do. Nothing will satisfy or bring solace… (very softly weeping) I really don’t know how I’ll get through what’s coming. You’ve known my great weakness. I have feared losing you. It has always been the singular terror for me. And now I must face it alone. But I have finally agreed with myself, as best I can, to be unafraid… to believe that you really do belong to me, that nothing could ever truly separate us, that you really are the other half of my own person. You are God’s delicious gift, created just for me, the fulfillment of all my little-girl secret wishes, the focus of my wild passion, just to be with you, to live life with you. Oh, Elenchus, you are more than one who loves me – you are me in another form. And no matter the veil of separation soon to engulf, I now begin to sense that I can never lose you… no matter what happens, we will be protected and we shall find each other again… my soul assures me of this… and I choose to trust myself, the testimony of my deepest person and the sacred joy pulsating within… and these will lead me home, to my true home, the compass of your warm embrace… I will encourage myself to believe and no longer doubt... because, Darling Dear… some things are too wonderful to be untrue.
Editor’s note: Kairissi is convinced: some things are too wonderful to be untrue. But will this argument persuade the rest of us?
The field of epistemology asks “How can we know something is true?” Normally, veridical status is affirmed by gathering evidence. Kairissi, however, lays claim not on the basis of scientific method but of “my soul assures me.” Shall we agree with her?
One answer here is that whatever Kairissi sees, it’s just for her. She’s received a message from some transcendental level and the personally-delivered letter is marked, “for your eyes only.” We have no business reading someone else’s mail. We must wait, and prepare our hearts, for our own mystical revelations.
But let’s speak to the universal principle of her assertion. Authentic eternal romance issues as a function of enhanced consciousness, not of brain chemical interaction. True love begins to access the very mind of Mother-Father God and, as such, represents an aspect of ultimate reality. And this ultimate reality, a field of consciousness inhabited by Divinity, is characterized by the joy of oneness – a shimmering-glistening-sparkling delight of secret-garden intimacy, of being known as one knows oneself. In Kairissi’s world of “union of spirits,” it is impossible for the mind to conceive of any joyful moment which cannot be brought into reality; in other words, some things are too wonderful to be untrue.
But this most substantive joy offers more. Not only is it “too wonderful to be untrue,” but it's too wonderful, ultimately, to be stopped, to be denied expression, to be thwarted.
must find itself, claim itself
This is what Spirit Guide Silver Birch meant when he said that "the real love is so magnetic, so overwhelming, in its attraction that it must find itself and claim itself, when once you have got rid of the imperfections of the Earth which were the deterrents to recognition"; notice - the problem with finding one's true mate is primarily one of "recognition" not of proximity.
In any case, the attendant sense of certainty in all this, regarding the ineluctability of her love for Elenchus and their eventual reunion, offered Kairissi a small measure of comfort in her hour of torment.
However, as a final note - just because a couple’s love might be destined, might enjoy the status of “too wonderful to be untrue,” “too wonderful to be stopped or thwarted,” doesn’t mean that they will not be required to endure a version of the “madness maddened,” possibly, their own “ludicrous proposition.” The Day Stars and Big Waters serving their charges here on Earth, while guarding them against “paying too much,” are very intent upon their clients “getting their money’s worth” on their one-and-only trip to hell.