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Word Gems exploring self-realization, sacred personhood, and full humanity
Kairissi & Elenchus: XVI
Elenchus. I had awakened at 3:30 AM. The 3 o’clock hour is a soulless thing, a disembodied spectre of time with no meaning; other than to reveal a life that ought to have been lived. I see us now. It is 55 years earlier. We’ve left the old village, are both at university, but hundreds of miles apart. I have this recurring nightmare… a waking 3 AM nightmare… that I must go to you… go to you before it’s too late… But, I am projecting what I ought to have felt in that early time. I lie in the coldness of my bed. How unforgiving it is, relentlessly uncomforting. I never feel good anymore. My vision right now, however, is clear; too clear for my liking. I see the panorama of my life – life, such as it is; so-called life, without you -- what I've done, and what I tried to do but failed; moreover, I recount an insight only many hours earlier. This small perspicacity, however, while honored, rings slightly hollow. I always want to rush to you and proclaim, “Kairissi, look at what I discovered!” But, you are not there. And, immediately, I notice, within the wraith of my troubled soul, how the terror of living without you, the terror of having lived without you, creeps over me now as one more numbing disembodied spectre. I recall Walter Benton’s inadvertent exclamation – after he had lost her: I watch the seasons go - with you ... It is strange, this my need of you. Yesterday I gathered seashells... but I had no one to show them to. And when I saw blue heron ... I cried ... "Lillian, look!" Yes, "strange" - "no one to show them to," and what good are they if I cannot show them to you? And Elizabeth’s realization, too, that even the beauty of nature sheds its splendiferous allure without one's beloved to share. Elizabeth’s letter to Robert, May 12, 1846: [She recounts, earlier in the day, a walk in the park] … and I felt joyful enough for the moment to look round for you, as for the cause [of this glorious day]. It seemed illogical, not to see you close by. And you were not far after all, if thoughts count as bringers near. Dearest, we shall walk together under the trees someday! "To look round for you," but you're not there. "It seemed illogical" - how could you not be there! as if to say, of what use is the wonderment of life if you are not "close by"? There are many tests of true love, and I’ve put forward a few. But now, at 3 AM, how lucidly I see one more. Who is the one instantly brought near – instantly and urgently – when the beauty of life presents itself? Who is the one, unbidden, to approach one’s awareness – as if she had a right to be there -- when some meager accomplishment begs to be acknowledged? Who is the one, whose image floods the mind, when a “consonance with the whole" invades the spirit? – as if she held title deed to the moment, held it in joint tenancy, with you. Who is the one whose mere presence, or even to mentally apprehend, supplies a motivating energy simply to continue, to want to live? There may be other close ones, dear ones, with whom one feels an affinity. But I would not bother continuing to live for any of these dear ones. There is but one, however, only one, who might venture so close as to cohabit one’s being; so close as to offer proxy for life itself. These perceptions, not infrequently, are hard to come by. We often stumble about in the “fog of war” – bewildered and muddled -- that is this brief time on planet Earth -- dazed and confused, concerning who's who and for whom. But, sometimes, in the chilling and subverting darkness of 3 AM, if only briefly - all becomes clear.
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