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Word Gems exploring self-realization, sacred personhood, and full humanity
Kairissi & Elenchus:
Kairissi. (softly) Elenchus… Elenchus. (silence) K. I know you don’t want to talk to me. E. It’s not like that. K. You said we needed time for ourselves, as per the advice of Iris. E. (silence) K. But the author has decided to write another book, and he’d like us to provide commentary again. E. Wasn’t he the one who proclaimed, “I’m not writing any more **** books.” K. (smiling) That was two books ago. The pangs of literary childbirth have once again dimmed in his memory. E. (small smile) K. It’s ok to change your mind, you know. Maybe we could try it, too. E. Krissi… I think about you all the time… but… you know why we’re apart right now… we talked about this. K. I feel like the hapless girl in Dido’s song: “I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again, I was nothing but trouble, and I understand if you can’t talk to me again.” E. (silence) K. Could we at least be together for this ad hoc assignment? I would settle for that right now -- just to be close again, to talk and laugh as we did in happier times. E. (silence) K. The girl in the song also professed, “I won’t put my hands up and surrender, I’m in love and always will be.”
E. Shall I share with you a secret fear? K. Tell me anything you like. E. I’m afraid that, if you really got to know me, you wouldn’t like me. K. (silence) E. I’m different, you know. I’ve studied many things, and now most of my views are unconventional. I disagree with almost everything I hear. I know too much to be set loose in polite company. K. (small smile) E. I’m reminded of the apostle Paul in the book of Acts. He was being questioned by a Roman official about his theology, when suddenly the magistrate bellowed, “You’re out of your mind, Paul! Too much study is driving you mad!” K. (silence) E. And sometimes I’m afraid that, if I speak my truest mind to you, if I speak with formal language, with technical terms, reflecting my research, the way I’m inclined to do – then, I have this fear that you will “run for the hills” and not want to be with me. K. Elenchus… we should not put on airs or a false front when addressing the one we love. This is no different than what some women do who try to be “blonde,” disingenuously representing themselves because they believe men don’t like smart women. I believe… that… in true love… certain things that we might want to hide about ourselves are the very things that the true mate is longing to find in a destined partner. We don't want to attract just any "pretty face," someone who "doesn't belong to us"; that would only increase our suffering. We want a particular one, and only him. We need the freedom to speak in a manner that suits us and is comfortable to us, for how could we live our lives to do otherwise? We need to feel at ease with the one we love, knowing that we are accepted and cherished for what we are. We need to be ourselves, without mask or charade, and, in this spirit of openness and guilelessness, simply trust God that one’s true mate, somewhere out there, will be drawn by, and is searching for, the very traits and essence of mind that we fear might be antithetical to love.
E. I remember a time, years ago… you had sent me a photo of yourself, and a letter – and I’m not sure now, but you might have even sent a lock of your hair (see Elizabeth’s sonnet #18) – however, you had then-recently withdrawn from me, made me feel less, and I was very angry and so, in a spirit of revenge, I purposed to put you away from my thinking, and find someone new. K. (silence) E. I destroyed your photo and your letter, so as to give myself freedom of mind to be with another. I soon learned, however, that I could not put you away just by shredding artifacts. You remained in my head. So often since then, I’ve greatly regretted letting go of anything associated with you. K. (softly) Elenchus, I think this effort to destroy keepsakes is something of a universal principle. In season one, episode one of CSI: New York, Gary Sinise’s character Detective Mac remonstrates himself for getting rid of almost every item that would remind him of his lost wife.
even the thought of living without him would be too much to bear
Quantum Leap (1990), episode “Her Charm”
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