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Word Gems 

exploring self-realization, sacred personhood, and full humanity

Soulmate, Myself:
Omega Point

Postscript

return to "contents" page 

Elenchus. I have learned from Spirit Guides, via psychic-medium, that Krissi, for most of her life, has been suffering from bipolar disorder. In my brief readings on this malady, I've discovered that "psychosocial factors play a significant role in the development and course of bipolar disorder... [traumatic] life events and relationships likely contribute to the onset" of this illness.

It means that when she and I had that falling-out when we were young teens, resulting in her refusal to even look at me during our remaining time in school, much of that hurtful experience may have triggered the bipolar condition.

For me, it's all very strange. I still don't know who she really is.

A long time ago, I told her she reminded me of the song “Devil Or Angel”, with the lyric “be whichever you are.” I wasn’t in an altogether charitable frame of mind when I said this, and she wasn’t totally happy with the allusion.

She and I have unfinished business; things to make clear to each other.

After all that's been discussed, I still don't really know what represented her truest feelings and what part was an impaired health condition.

Would you like to know what I remember most in all of our talks? It’s what she said during a happier time of our lives...

E. So, tell me – if “meet me in the middle” leaves you cold, what would you rather see?

it is enough

K. I need to know I can trust the fellow who's asking to sleep with me. Trust is number one. I want him not just as my lover but as my steadfast and trustworthy friend and guide. I want him to serve my highest and best interests, all the time, no days off, no vacations, no excuses, no smile-and-a-handshake schmoozing, no giving-to-get, no techniques, no tactics, just put me as 'priority one' in all his thinking, even if it’s not to his short-term advantage, and even if I disagree with him. I want to be able to trust him, and rely on him, for my life and my eternal life, and, when his vision is very clear, I want him to act unilaterally, without prompting, to do what's best for me - even if I fight him on this. There is good reason why Socrates said that one's most valuable possession is a true and faithful friend. And I’m not interested, at all, not a farthing's worth, in some shallow and self-serving “meet me in the middle” sophism, some stingy counting-out-the-pennies “50-50” negotiation. I can get that in any mercenary business deal. What do I look like, the Teamsters haggling out some contract? - hardly, my dear. There'll be no bargaining with me, I'll tell you that right now. I want it lavish, lavish for me, all on my side. I want it splurged, overflowing, and dripping. I want it sloppy and juicy and all-you-can-eat at the dessert bar. What I want is someone who'll give me 100% of his life, 100% of his best, 100% of his plans and projects, all that he has, all that he is, all that he will ever be, in this world and the next. I don't want much from him, I just want everything, and I want it with a cherry on top, and a chocolate kiss on my pillow, and I want him to surrender all this, to me, just to me, willingly and with joy, with no strings attached. And I want him to shout it from the rooftops, for all the world to hear, that he is mine, all mine, that he wants me, just me, with no reservations and no loopholes. I want him to worship and adore me, to bend the neck and pay tribute, to offer fealty and obeisance - to want me more than his last breath, to cherish and treasure me as his 'pearl of great price'. I want him to want me to such degree that, if my love were all that he had in life, or would ever have in eternal life, he would pledge to God, “It is enough, who could ask for, or receive, anything more?” And when I find that special one, thus moved to action, consecrated to my benefit, for my account, then, I will offer him, not just the same but more - a Kama-Sutra reciprocity of personalized pleasures reified; a swooning array of ecstasies, just what he likes; a plenitude of unspoken desires actualized, what he didn't even know he liked - all crafted to address his unique definitions of the luscious and delicious, his unconfessed dreams and secret fantasies; all these, my goddess gifts to him, my surrendered tokens of absolute allegiance, devotion, and ardency, for our total immersion darling companionship. 

But our conversation here occurred some time ago.

There’s an old proverb warning of the fragile nature of one's reputation.

'said you had a thing or two to tell me, how was I to know you would upset me'

One can lose a good reputation, another’s sense of trust in you – what may have taken 30 years, 50 years, to build – one can lose all this in just five minutes with one vicious attack, or even one equivocal lukewarm response.

The true love relationship, at the foundational level, is not built on sex appeal but trust. You can get sex anywhere; go to any bar, you can get it tonight. But trust, the kind you can build your life around, will cost a few dollars more. What we really want to know is, “Can I trust you to safeguard my life, and not use me for some secondary purpose? Can I trust you to put me number one above all other goals and pleasures in your life?”

Stated differently: Is each "enough" for the other? - or are there false idols competing with true love?

true love and trust will reflect one's essential life-force

One's worthiness of trust will reflect one's essential life-force, part of the "true self". It cannot be constructed or generated with willpower or determination; instead, it must be allowed to manifest and actualize. Genuine trustworthiness is a form of goodness which naturally flows, percolates upward from the depths, when one's deeper person is aligned with the God-life within.

We are headed for Summerland. They say that true love cannot be unrequited there; that those who are meant for each other always find each other. Why do I doubt this?

late-night confessions: the 3 AM spectre

If Krissi were here, I would address her this way:

I imagine you trying to offer explanation. I think you'd be saying you were too conflicted, too burdened, too drained of energy, to send a note of encouragement or apology; even just a word asking me to wait until duties were satisfied - that one good word, the one you never sent, might have sustained me until later.

Despite your purported inner conflict, however, you did, in fact, find enough energy, you were quite able and resourceful, to get a message through which vilified and disrespected me. You were strong enough for that. Remember the creeds we learned as little kids? We had to memorize words which went over our heads: the "sins of omission" - but now we know what that means.

spectacular unkindness, outrageous accusation

You have a way of bringing out the worst in me.

Though long ago, the open wounds from that famous spectacular unkindness - you know the one - still refuse healing; the outrageous accusation and threat continue to dishearten and poison at 3 AM; the ghastly memory of calumny still drains chilled blood from the head and serves as greatest temptation toward resentment and unforgiveness.

What is wrong with you?

'oh, yes, you told me, and that's when it hurt me'

stockholm syndrome

You enable those who exploit you. In your own stockholm syndrome, you side with your ignoble captors -- these candidates for dark-realm sentencing, carnival hawkers of buffoonery, deceit, and abuse. You strengthen their hands.

your Faustian bargain, a strange coalition with everything you always hated, and so not like you

A Faustian bargain is an agreement, such that, one surrenders what one knows to be moral and right, a bartering away of one’s soul-based highest principles, in favor of some dubious short-term worldly benefit.

This ill-advised assent - to what you dislike - quickly became self-defeating as the traded-away wealth constituted far more value than the negotiated-for glass bauble. It is the proverbial Esau allowing himself to be cajoled into exchanging future inheritance and wealth, a lifetime of happiness and well-being, for a mere bowl of soup.

You believed you needed something; as you saw it, you weren't whole without it, couldn't be happy in its absence. It was like the “Rhythm Of The Rain” song, “the only girl I ever loved has gone away, looking for a brand new start.” That "brand new start" became the greatest error and misery of your life. In defiance of your deeper guidance and good sense, you traded your dignity and freedom, your right to self-management -- for the soup-of-the-day -- needs a little salt, doesn't taste right. 

Esau Selling His Birthright (1626), Hendrick Terbrugghen

'bought and sold you' - the fall of the good little girl

What was your Faustian "benefit"? What did you trade for? - that is, trade me for? those trading negotiations conducted in opposition to the inner-whispering assurance that, one day, we, you and I, would finally address unfinished business.

Did you believe that a studied docility, a muting of sensibilities, the adoption of a “good little girl” obeisance, would curry favor with an unjust, humorless, and angry god?

Did they convince you that this straw-god would condemn you for noncompliance concerning their draconian, self-serving, man-made dogma? Is this how they controlled and enslaved you, bought and sold you? – and made you stay -- with their psychological warfare of guilt and intimidation.

all that I knew you to be, thought well of, and admired so much

And how utterly anomalous that you, especially you, should make alliance with the boorish and vulgar, the loutish and oafish, the cloddish paint-by-numbers anti-intellectual rabble -- you, the diligent and assiduous honor student, paragon of high standard and lofty aspiration; you, the personification of excellent spirit; and how antithetical to your sensitive nature, one of grace, loveliness, and virtue -- all that I knew you to be and admired so much -- you, the quintessential aesthete, patron of all things cultivated and refined, les beaux arts.

advanced by your own calculated but deluded assent

Your odd-bedfellow confederation with lowbrow element stands as the greatest misjudgment, the greatest misstep, of your misguided life, proximate cause to your life's ruin and undoing -- decades of soul-numbing misery -- crafted by your own hand, advanced by your own calculated but deluded assent.

What is wrong with you?

newfound boldness

You were scrupulous and conscientious not to offend your philistine oppressors; but quite careless and disdaining toward what I might think.

You were bold, felt free, to sin against me, to spit upon me - moreover, not just me but, the far greater sin, a denial of what we, in potentia, are to each other. You still have no idea of how you damaged yourself, and us, with your parody and charade of relationship and community.

already existing in potentia

Yours was not so much a boldness but an empty bravado, devolving to cavalier disavowal and self-deception; as if the future would require no accounting of inner truths perceived; as if what you allowed, with him, and with them, represented primary reality and were dispositive to destiny; as if there would be no day of reckoning, as if you would not need to explain yourself, and face me, one day.

There is a coming day of judgment – not the religious fairytale judgment before an angry god – but a day of judgment for those who share an eternal soul-bond and joint-destiny. And what will you say for yourself on that day when machinations of the heart are laid bare?

a prison for the mind

Those with whom you make pact, among the most crude and crass, the worldly craven and knavish, are headed for time in a "dark closet"; but you conduct yourself as if God would commend their goonish and sordid tactics, requiring you to honor and obey whatever they say.

Morpheus used the phrase "a prison for the mind." Right now, fearful and guilt-ridden, you are held captive in your own prison-Matrix, the dungeon of terrorized perceptions, chained to narrow and errant concepts of how life works, a torture-chamber of tyrannical peer-group definitions of morality.

take the red pill

Why didn't you take the red pill as your life's direction? Why didn’t you devote yourself to discovering the truth and what’s real? - instead of hell-bent surrendering to “the white picket fence."

How did you become an indentured cultist, now mindlessly clinging to worn-out and tired propaganda concepts -- widely known today, with even a modicum of research, to be perversions of historical reality, mere disinformation campaign and fake-news, blatant fear-and-guilt control tactics, by a rogue and despotic organization.

What is wrong with you?

The institution you support is a corrupt and power-mongering entity of the world. It has a long history of psychological oppression, murderous activity, and sexual exploitation. Everything they teach has a smell to it. And if one transitions to the other side believing their "holy" doctrines to be wonderful, one could land in a "cult deprogramming" clinic or even earn accommodation in dark detention. With a little investigation, one could have known these things.

Why don't you know them? Why are you so uninformed, so gullible and easily led? Can't you stand up for what is right? - or at least for yourself? Will you never grow up? When will you stop being the servile and serf-like, unthinking and acquiescing, good-little-girl?

What is wrong with you?

'I feel so guilty'

Do you remember when you said this to me? I feel so guilty, you exclaimed.

They had battered you psychologicaIly, but yet, I could tell, in your heart-of-hearts, you were not deceived. You knew what they were doing to you, these merchants of fear and guilt. Even so, you could not walk away; not yet. You still needed an external approval - still too much the "good little girl."

the conditioning of the tribe, the mind-programming of local nomos

Krishnamurti warned that "people can be conditioned to believe anything." The belief-systems of nearly every unenlightened person represent geography, where one was born, one's family, community, native group; mere provincial moralities, local nomos, as described by Herodotus. Are we to be impressed by this formulaic and robotic true believer-ism? - these empty beliefs, just plain-vanilla fear-based superstition of the tribe, masquerading as cosmic truth, within a credulous and frothing assemblage of misled and duped minions.

But you thought it was just fine, went along with this perversion of what's real, and, worse, chose it as foundation for your life. And then you were surprised at how quickly your bargained-for "white picket fence" life sank into a nightmare world. How could it have been anything else? Have you no foresight or judgment, no good sense at all?

You say you didn't know; yes, but you could have known, you didn't devote yourself to knowing and finding the truth. Not knowing, when you could have known, is gross negligence -- it's called "the reasonable man" rule; what would the reasonable man have done -- closing one's eyes is not a defense, and, therefore, natural law, and your own higher self, will hold you strictly accountable.

What is wrong with you?

postured authority

And so you were hoodwinked to set aside rational faculties and sacred responsibility to live as a free and whole person. You surrendered all this to vulgar mountebanks. They promised you "beads and trinkets" to overcome your weakness of needing to be accepted, a fear of being left on the shelf and unwanted, a dread of never finding happiness of "the white picket fence."

These vile and base ones, in alliance, postured an authority over your life, but, in fact, had absolutely none. A victim of local nomos, you entered into agreement with them during your time of fearful immaturity, when you lacked knowledge, of yourself, the world, destiny, and natural law; and so you could not defend against their offer of "poisoned candy," what you viewed as your last ticket to the good life. 

Later, in your growing misery, though beginning to realize your error, you still could not break free. Commanding strict obedience, they chained you with an oppressive sense of guilt, a constant browbeating, intimating that you are no-good and unworthy - declaring that a wrathful god would be very displeased, and quick to eternally punish, should you consider defying them to wander off the plantation; that, you did not have the right to think for yourself, to manage and reclaim your own life, to insist on yourself and your own inner-guidance. 

you were the first to know

All this inundation of trammeling, a psychological warfare, succeeded in making you too deferential, too subservient, to overthrow ill-founded custom and convention; too intimidated, too submissive, to do what is right, even though your deepest heart informed you of the reality, even though you well knew - because you were the first to know - that we belong to each other; no, you did not forget but felt unable to speak.

girls mature faster, but dull boys have a habit of growing up and seeing everything

I feel angry and disgusted. I had come to believe, wanted to believe, that someday after we’d learned our dire lessons and had suffered enough; after we’d tried everything else and betrayal had run its course; that we would find our way back to, and repent toward, each other; that I -- the boy you once approached to announce your love, the boy who finally realized that he had loved you all along and from the beginning -- that I would be “enough” for you.

'I didn't realize, when I looked in your eyes'

Yes, I feel angry and disgusted - because I want to be with you; even more, I want you. Angry and disgusted, mainly toward myself, because, in those early years, I was not able to speak. I was half-baked and not ready, but now I see what's real - however, we've switched roles, and now you're not ready. You and I have always been out of phase.

Lawyers draw distinction between intent and motive. For example, I walk across a room because I intend to, but this reveals nothing about motive, why I want to cross the room. And with you, you forthrightly intended to hurt me; of this there is no doubt. What’s not clear is why you did this. If your vituperation issued from cognitive impairment, then a lack of capacity, an insanity defense, might apply. However, why do I doubt this? I’ve always known you to be clear-eyed, and now to make excuses for you, in terms of mental dysfunction, doesn’t seem to fit.

Where does this leave us? I’m not sure, but what I do know is that, when we cross over, I will know your heart's motivation. There’s that testimony from the new-arrival woman (on the Summerland page) who said that “there’s no more bs over here,” that no one could hide anymore, that she could see to the depths of another’s soul. All of this character unveiling is even more true for Twin Souls – and, when I get over there, I will know, I will know instantly and very clearly, why you did what you did.

paradise lost

Until I am "enough" for you as you are for me; until I know that you would chose me above all other options as I choose you; until our goals in life merge in substantial confluence; until you want me as much as I want you; until you speak plainly to me, offering an accounting of your actions, as I will offer the same to you; until mutual trust becomes the air we breathe -- we cannot be together.

'please remember how I feel about you'

postscript 1

I've been learning more about bipolar disorder. The pendulum swing from high to low coherency can be more extreme than I'd known. As I come to better understand this severe dynamic, I find myself less condemning; even so, to be honest, I still have trouble accepting the "insanity defense" concerning your actions. Some things don't add up.

In your favor, however, during a psychic reading, a competent medium reported that she was accessing the truest sentiments of your higher self. Is this plausible? Can a "higher self" send a message? We're reminded of the case of Adela and Eddie: His plane was lost at sea during time of war, and, it was later learned, they had, in fact, communicated via the "higher self."

You as this higher self, this “better angel" of your nature, I was informed by the medium, does care for me "deeply" -- stated twice -- and is apologizing for past hurtful conduct; that, essentially, the unfair personal attack was the illness speaking. You said that your conduct did not represent how you really feel, that you could not control your actions.

distorted perception

If this is true, and I’m inclined to believe that it is, then my previous comments must be considered as too harsh. Your life-long condition, growing worse in latter years, resulted in distorted perception, caused you to make some very bad judgments and get into life-situations that were totally not you.

And I was speaking to another psychic-medium. She's well known with thousands of clients and engaged in police detective work solving criminal cases. She was granted a vision from Guides of what happened to us early on.

perky and light-hearted

She accurately described your normal expressive and light-hearted nature; when you're feeling well and free, your natural perky and playful exuberance. This is the real you.

She, along with the first medium, saw some of the trouble you’re in, including the oppression you now suffer by others. She asked if I were aware of this. I said I was aware.

She unequivocally asserted that we are Twin Souls. I said I knew this. She said “I’m seeing marriage all over this” for you two; however, she also indicated, it would still be a while. I understood this, as well. She also stated that your time of oppression is finally nearing its end. I am glad for this.

Concerning our history, I told the lady that, early on, you were the proactive one, coming to me, wanting to tell me, but I was too immature to understand what you were saying. I was just a young boy, but you were ahead, as girls tend to be in these matters.

I then added, "we've switched roles," as I'm now the more forthcoming one, and, as it took me most of my life to grow up, I intend to lead this now. The psychic lady commented, yes, "you've passed her now." In a way this is correct, but I also think I'm still trying to "get back to zero," trying to catch up, as you were so happy just to be with me during some of our early encounters. In my whole life, nobody has ever delighted in me like that. I had no idea back then that, what I was receiving could come only from you, that this was it, there was nothing else in life, and I'd never experience it again, with anyone else.

As the songwriter expresses it: 

walking too far ahead

'go slow, I fall behind'

drum beats out of time

'do you remember'

It's been many years now, the number shocks us, but, you once asked me, "do you remember when I told you" -- yes -- I remember, but I was surprised that it was still on your mind after so long a time; I remember, because, darling dear... in my life... I remember little else.

And do you remember when you said, "Let's not lose each other again", and then, "I want to have a glass of wine with you." But, instead, we entered a new phase of greater alienation.

And then, later, finally, I told you, I wrote to you, that I was getting off the merry-go-round of swirling life circumstance, and that, when you were ready, you could find me, and I would be there, waiting alone for you. I offered this pledge unilaterally, knowing that no immediate benefit would be forthcoming - just as you once offered a one-sided presentation, words of love, to an unformed and stupid young boy, so many decades ago now.

With awe and reverence, the psychic-detective medium, having counseled thousands of clients, confessed that she found our story “very compelling”; most tragedies are.

our story, unique among thousands

Among these thousands, she’d never seen, had never been given a vision of, so many roadblocks and obstacles, so many levels of formidable barrier to love, and over such a long period of time.

this is not how we wanted to be famous

Like a farcical-dream in which nothing could be made to go right; of two, always out of phase with each other, and having lost each other so early, then spending much of a whole lifetime wishing to get back to each other.

'the blossom, withered, in its bloom'

Our embryonic interactions, more than other compelling love stories, speak to Dickens' doleful poetic imagery: "tenderest recollections of the blossom that had withered in its bloom."

The medium said that she'd counseled thousands of clients concerning lost love, and she wishes our story were written down to give to others, to inform that great patience and fortitude is often required to bring authentic relationship to maturity.

'you never talk about this, but time is on your side'

And there were other messages via other psychic-mediums, to whom I gave no detail of our situation, but immediately there was an accessing of the essence of that which burdens me. The counsel was offered, “there’s a hidden part of you that you never talk about, but,” you are given to know, “time is on your side."

'even if she's 90, in a nursing home'

And that, while “your years of being apart are not yet over,” the Guides understand that “you would wait for her, even if she’s 90, in a nursing home”; that, though you live alone, the Guides well see your heart affirming that “you are in a committed relationship”.

law of repulsion

There is testimony by Spirit Guides, superintending the coming together of Twins, who speak of a "law of repulsion" -- orchestrated difficulties in the early years during which little goes right for destined lovers -- followed, much later, by a "law of attraction."

not even counted as a girl

the bad-news duo

It seems very strange that a young boy who judged a young girl as more than annoying, liable to snarky behavior or whining and shouting at any moment, “silly” (I still remember mentally calling her “silly” when I was ten), someone I didn’t really like, and bad news, and didn’t even count as a girl -- how could this irritating and vexing little girl eventually become all the universe to me, my life and breath, my only eternal desire, my to-die-for reason to stay alive?

What kind of wizardry and alchemy is this? - this unlikely, and unwanted, transformation. How is this even possible?

However, this textbook method, it's clear to me now, is what happened to us (read of these two "laws" on the "Wedding Song" prologue page).

postscript 2

I've been lettin' your memory get to me

In times past, I spoke of Adler’s “idealization” and “over-valuation,” how John and Mary view each other unrealistically, and then are later disappointed with what they discover. Ironically, it was the opposite for me.

You were often unkind, even vicious, and I saw the worst in you, from early on and to later years; in this, you also brought out the worst in me. Any normal guy named “John” would have mentally put you away, long ago, and never looked back. Well, I did try that but could never quite forget you. What I found is, in true love, you will see through the masks and role-playing, all the way to the true person within, what exists potentially, waiting to be actualized, in the soul of the one you love.

Despite all that's happened, part of me has always seen you as that perfect girl: radiant and glorious, effortlessly lovely and enchanting, naturally gracious and forthcoming, unpretentiously modest and virtuous, unassumingly intelligent and quietly capable, perky and playful, never flirtatious and always real, diligent and striving for excellence, artistic and poetry-in-motion, naturally pure and wholesome, sparkling and shimmering, without flaw or wrinkle.

In my saner moments, I like everything about you. You've always been, for me, the archetype of what a girl should be.

Used to be I could pretend that I wasn't really hurt back then. I was angry, for years; so angry I wouldn’t allow myself to know what I was angry about. How clearly I recall the process. For nearly 30 years, subliminally, I would not allow myself to listen to the old music. Intuitively, I knew that this would reopen a deep wound. I'd made an agreement, with myself, not to ask any questions about the past. After many years of this repression -- repressing, not just information but repressing my own person -- the pain of self-blindness became greater than the pain of dealing with your memory.

Recently it seems I've been lettin' your memory get to me. This imbalance, the resurgence of memory, overturned an established psychological homeostasis, prompting me to seek for reorientation. I did so by daring to listen to the old love songs; which means, I decided to consciously seek for your memory, to allow it to surface. But I was not prepared and would soon discover what I'd been so sedulously avoiding. The music unlocked tightly-sealed doors of the soul. The old love songs from our teen years precipitated a cathartic convulsive release of wallpapered-over sorrow. My own reaction, to myself, was that of shock. I had no idea how dead I was on the inside, with these multiple spiraling-downward layers of despair and grief.

Recently it seems I've been lettin' your memory get to me. The returning spectre of your memory informed me of the nature of my hidden terror. In my traumatic repression, I could now clearly see that I'd slipped into a form of egoic insanity. I had feared that I’d forever lost you - lost you! even before I had my wits about me to know that I wanted you. This seemed unconscionably unfair, had secretly enraged me -- to finally perceive your secret identity, but only after the game was effectively over. 

I'm findin' I'm not as strong as I thought that I used to be. A floating-systemic anger, for many years, had colored my life. Even so, in my disconsolate meditations, I would bring myself to perceive that my feelings for you, and what you once expressed to me, did not constitute ordinary boy-meets-girl dynamic. To my shock, it was much more. And so I couldn't just go out and replace you, choose some other "pretty fish in the sea" to sedate myself; I know, because I tried this bromide, resulting in more suffering. What I'd experienced with you a long time ago was something irreplaceable and non-fungible. As the poet offered, it became “the feeling which is evidence.”

Used to be I could pretend that I wasn't really hurt back then, but then, recently... Though I still grieve, I begin to accept the past, to see it as part of a necessary classroom; also, to accept that you had your own lessons God wanted you to learn.

Doesn't matter now who was wrong. I look forward to meeting you again. But I'm also troubled at the prospect. I won’t know what to say. And I don't know if we can be together right away. We have unfinished business, things to explain to each other. And I'm not sure if you'll have good explanations for all that happened... I think that trust will have to be rebuilt... that could take some time... but, to use your phrase, "if you're still willing," I would like to talk about this whole thing.

postscript 3

There are too many endings here, but rather than delete the previous, I’ll let them stand. As I see more, I need to say more, and this is what I see now. The following, in part, is reprinted from the “Jamie and Landon” writing:

E. I’ve just re-read the novel about Jamie and Landon. I’m not one to read novels, haven’t done so since college, but I’ve re-read this one. The movie doesn’t do justice, it’s a watered down version to appeal to a secular society. The Jamie of the novel is many powers of ten more inspiring and worthy of note.

K. In what sense?

E. I am deeply moved by her willingness to serve and aid even her enemies. She doesn’t blame people or blame God for the trials in her life. She’s friendly to all, even to those who, she full well knows, despise and work against her. A girl like Jamie I find inspiring.

K. It seems she’s more than just a character in a novel.

sacrament, just to be in her presence

E. Jamie, to my way of thinking, is actually an embodiment of a feminine ideal. A woman like this, of such grace, forbearance, altruism, maturity, intelligence, virtue – I could go on – possesses great spiritual power and influence over others. Especially, her mate. A woman like this brings alive the old adage of a man’s desire to “worship and adore” the one he loves. Men are changed, transformed, by a sainted beautiful woman -- it's a kind of sacrament, simply to be in her presence.

K. It seems it’s not difficult to “worship and adore” a goddess like this.

E. Her “godliness” draws from me, from my stone-cold “heart of darkness,” a breath of life previously unknown to me. Like a flower, as songwriter John Sebastian had it, “I feel myself in bloom” in her presence. She “draws life” from me, as “The Wedding Song” puts it. I can feel myself expanding to new, higher levels of what I was made to be. It’s as if she pulls me out of mental darkness, up into the light, from the dungeons of my personal hell, shows me the way toward the secret meaning of God’s love. I sense, I know, that I cannot reach my potential as a son of God unless this beautiful made-in-the-image agent of the divine leads me forward.

K. (softly) What is the bottom line of all this for you?

E. I cannot be with any woman who does not exhibit the godly feminine attributes of Jamie. It wouldn't work, we wouldn't be ready, we wouldn't be happy, I wouldn't feel that I had a real partner who sees what I see. We'd be at odds. I would far rather remain unmarried, or wait hundreds of years, than to be with someone immature in these spiritual areas.

K. Do I have to become Jamie for you to want be with me?

E. No, absolutely not, but you need to become yourself, your true self. And you haven't done this yet. When you do, you will exhibit all of the spiritual attributes that every enlightened woman will manifest, but in your own unique manner.

addendum: the eternal love and marriage, its meaning and purpose

a heaven in a gaze,
a heaven of heavens,
the privilege
of one another’s eyes

Emily Dickinson

As I survey the many afterlife testimonies concerning true love and the eternal marriage – see many of them here -- a sense of hushed awe envelops my spirit. Why do I feel so deeply about this?

Think back to childhood, that very first time the concept of “forever” pierced the fog of the puerile mind. I see myself back then, almost-hypnotically stammering: “forever… and ever… and ever… and ever… and ever…”

Falling into the bottomless abyss of “forever” is an unnerving, even frightening, existential event. But then, later, the concept of the endless made all the worse by contemplation of being with just one person, in an eternal marriage that “cannot be sundered” – forever… and ever… and ever… and ever…

What are we to make of this endless perpetuity? From our experience on the Earth, nothing lasts forever; most especially, good things. They cloy, go sour, depart from us, rather quickly. Who ever heard of feeling really happy for more than a short while or, at best, a fortnight? It doesn’t happen.

But, in the testimonies, we find this chorus of fervent voices exclaiming otherwise. They say, when you find the real thing, that’s when the real heaven begins. Before then, you’re just splashing in the kiddie-pool of what you think is pleasure.

Why would the universe be arranged this way? We’ll be investigating this for a long time, but part of the answer, they say, is that we can’t reach our best maturity and development without the true love and marriage; the implication being, until then, we have not yet perceived our authentic “what we stay alive for.” They’re telling us that we wouldn’t even bother unfolding much of the soul’s godly potential unless this blossoming were linked to being with and enjoying the company of a darling companion.

Now, most of us, when we hear things like this, might offer a jaded and cynical response, like: “I know all about this, I fell in love once, thought it would last forever, felt like it would, for a very short time, but it all faded so quickly. So I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt and dvd, and now I’m good, mate, but you have a nice day.”

The Spirit Guides are well aware of this “tough room” reaction – the entire channeled message of “The Wedding Song” addresses this derisive and scornful reply. They say our viewpoint is ignorant, and that things didn’t work out for us because we approached love as any beast of the field might do, merely an expression of mammalian zeal of the organs – and how long does that last? The really good stuff, they say, represents God’s own eternal energies, the kind that made us male and female, the “image of God.” They say that “the real love” – which comes only once in our eternal life, and with only one particular lover – “is so magnetic, so overwhelming in its attraction,” that the ensuing transformation is so complete and shattering that we are never the same again.

With all this fanfare, we might expect everyone in Summerland to be paired off as Twin Soul couples. And yet, strangely, on the “lower levels” of Summerland, almost no one has even heard of this. Most are still languishing in their lackluster John-and-Mary unions of the Earth. But then, most in Summerland are spiritually dysfunctional and still quite immature. We discussed this in “the 500 tape-recorded messages from the other side” writing.

We should not expect it to be easy to fall into the eternal marriage. Let’s not forget that frightening aspect of “forever… and ever… and ever… and ever.” Imagine being with the wrong person without end - a hell worse than the church's hell.

The real marriage is for keeps. There's no expiration date. This could sound frightening - but what if it could be endless bliss and happiness? To ready ourselves, we should not imagine a short prep course to do it. For something eternal, we should expect only a substantial transformative change to make us ready. Recall that the Greek word for "eternal" implies "living as the gods."

The eternal love and marriage is a union reflecting a mature and godlike frame of mind. We can’t expect to achieve this by reading a book or attending a seminar. A considerable amount of spiritual practice will be required, and not a short time inhabiting “the long dark night of the soul.”

Eroticism in the eternal marriage is not founded upon blood and fever. This does not last, and is fairly weak, in any case. But there is a more potent level of eroticism, based upon a higher level of consciousness or “soul energies,” and this form of eros does not fade. However, to experience this, the small ego cannot rule one’s being. We need to access a better level of awareness.

The Twin Soul marriage is typically entered when loftier levels of consciousness are reached. And now we want to know, how long might it take to achieve the requisite maturity allowing two to enter the eternal marriage?

finding a reason to buckle down

There’s no easy answer to this. It could be a fairly short time. If a couple catches a glimpse of the joys awaiting them, they might buckle down into a program of spiritual self-development that could make wedding bells ring for them in only many months or a few short years.

However, my sense is that not many couples will be this lucky. What is the problem? The problem is, when we cross over we bring with us all of our ego-illusions. And many cling to these. They’re afraid of change, afraid to let go of the old cultish ways of the Earth, afraid to “go within” to mine the inner riches – afraid, because they fear they’ll discover they’re a bad person on the deep inside.

There can never be a commencement of the eternal marriage while the ego pulls the strings in one’s life. And this is why marriages, so often, are so miserable on the Earth. And none of this mental dystopia, I think we can see, could have any place in a marriage lasting “forever… and ever… and ever.”

Recall, too, as we’ve discussed, couples are usually out-of-phase with each other. One might be fairly mature, but the other lags behind in egoic insanity. What can be done? Not much. Each person has his or her own timetable for spiritual awakening, and the soul will not rushed into a better state.

This means that the “sane” member of the Twinship will have to wait. There is no one else for him or her. With the true love and marriage, there is no such thing as "many fish in the sea." If you try that method, you will succeed only in creating suffering for your life. Each person has only one potential mate for the eternal marriage. Jesus talked about this need to wait in the Matthew 19 discourse.

How long might this waiting last? I’d like to say that maybe it would only be many years, but this is a hopeful spin on the problem. As we read the Guides' testimonies, we learn that, in hard-core situations, the immaturity of the recalcitrant absent Twin might last hundreds of years, or even a great deal longer. It could get grim. During the interim, the mature partner must settle in for the long wait, involving him- or herself in charitable works, study, staying close to friends, but, in all of this, must live alone.

One scintilla of hope: Just because a Twin couple, upon arrival in Summerland, is not ready for the eternal marriage doesn’t mean that they can’t begin to share some activities. This sort of limited togetherness, of course, assumes that each enjoys a modicum of spirituality, but, if not, it’s best to wait, as they’d grate like sandpaper, each to the other. But assuming a minimum level of maturity, they might take part in many activities jointly: service projects, university studies, outings, parties, and travel. We would welcome this because, as stated earlier, these interactions might offer a glimpse of the joys of full union awaiting them. Even a small vision of future happiness could serve as motivation to wholeheartedly pursue a program of marital spiritual readiness. This half-way measure of shared activities could be ideal for them, and we hope for it.

Much of this is not easy, and no sugar-coating will mollify. All we can say is, the future is a long time, and a very long time, and we absolutely need the true mate to “survive the terror of living forever”. One is required to wait -- and to accept no interim substitutes, which would only add to miseries; and would also add to hurt feelings, which might further delay the wedding date by more decades -- and so one is required to wait, no matter how long the wait, because we each get only one chance at this, one potential mate. The potential happiness, at the end, is so over-the-top substantial, that it outweighs any suffering due to waiting.

The eternal love and marriage offers a degree of intimacy far in advance of anything John and Mary ever dreamed of. An intimacy as exclusive right, the privilege, as Emily said, of one another’s eyes, a heaven in a gaze; indeed, a heaven of heavens, and this, on a permanent basis.

Editor's note: I count Emily's love poetry here as just about the most deeply moving lines ever written.

In many respects I am still the boy you once knew, and will always be. However, I am also different; different in that something deep within has been awakened. You knew me as that distracted and insensate boy, half alive, unaware not only of you but of life itself. But I am now aware of a new center of being, and strive to apprehend it, to unfold this germ of life within. I am drawn to a dazzling inner light, or maybe it's like a warming glowing ember. As another used the phrase, "I see nothing but eternity," but not everyone sees what I see; those who do not are usually offended by my research, are afraid, and some even say that I'm "dangerous"; which is ridiculous, but that's how frightened people are of ideas, afraid of what's real. But I am willing to stand alone if required. I want to know "the truth" -- not everyone does. You weren't aware of this, I think, but, even as a boy, I was very interested in finding the truth (it's too bad that we didn't have even one real conversation back then). I feel, deep within, a strong desire to do God’s will. I don’t always have a clear vision of what that is, but I know that I want to devote my eternal life to finding out. I want to do the work of God, to enter God’s harvest field, contributing my part. I sense that each human being will yet come to this realization. I don’t know where you are in this process, but I think you would not like being with me until you see what I see. I would be an offense to you, you would turn away (as you’ve already done at times) if you were to harbor the old beliefs. Until we share this inner vision, it’s best that I walk alone.

Confession: I look at some of these last comments and, to an outside observer, I could seem mature or even a spiritual person. But I am not, and far from that. These illusions of maturity are quickly shattered when I see some artifact of our past or some representation of your present life. How easily, then, I slip into a quiet rage, a confusion and disorder, sending me spinning to perdition. And now, in my own mental impairment, there's an adamant and defiant unwillingness to entertain any future rapprochement, in this world or in worlds to come. I don't want to ever see you again. I am still so angry and seething, even after all these years, and to a degree that shocks even me.

As I explore the underpinnings of this madness maddened, I discern the root cause: the greater part of myself despairs that the girl I always loved even exists now. “There is a funeral in my brain,” as the poet wrote, and this deeper grief leads me to abject despondency. I fear she is not recoverable. I can never get her back. Where is that girl of excellent spirit and ideals, of high goals and always seeking the best? - the one I always admired and secretly judged to be a perfect girl.

And how can I live now, how can I stand before life, without you? how can I find the energy to do anything? I have lost you, and now I don't want to live - I know I shouldn't say this, but it's how I feel. A thick darkness enshrouds and swirls within my spirit... Is this assessment too bleak? It probably is, but I feel immobilized with bereavement and cannot shut down the funeral in my head... This is my confession, but without absolution.

reprinted from the Omega articles: