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Word Gems self-knowledge, authentic living, full humanity, continual awakening
Postscript
Elenchus. I've learned from Spirit Guides, via psychic-medium, that Krissi, for most of her life, has been suffering from bipolar disorder. In my brief readings on this malady, I've discovered that "psychosocial factors play a significant role in the development and course of bipolar disorder... [traumatic] life events and relationships likely contribute to the onset" of this illness. It means that when she and I had that falling-out when we were young teens, resulting in her refusal to even look at me during our remaining time in school, much of that hurtful experience may have triggered the bipolar condition.
For me, it's all very strange. I still don't know who she is.
A long time ago, I told her she reminded me of the song “Devil Or Angel”, with the lyric “be whichever you are.” I wasn’t in an altogether charitable frame of mind when I said this, and she wasn’t totally happy with the allusion.
She and I have unfinished business; things to make clear to each other.
After all that's been discussed, I still don't really know what represented her truest feelings and what part was an impaired health condition.
Would you like to know what I remember most in all of our talks? It’s what you said during a happier time of our lives... E. So, tell me – if “meet me in the middle” leaves you cold, what would you rather see? it is enough K. I need to know I can trust the fellow who's asking to sleep with me. Trust is number one. I want him not just as my lover but as my steadfast and trustworthy friend and guide. I want him to serve my highest and best interests, all the time, no days off, no vacations, no excuses, no smile-and-a-handshake schmoozing, no giving-to-get, no techniques, no tactics, just put me as 'priority one' in all his thinking, even if it’s not to his short-term advantage, and even if I disagree with him. I want to be able to trust him, and rely on him, for my life and my eternal life, and, when his vision is very clear, I want him to act unilaterally, without prompting, to do what's best for me - even if I fight him on this. There is good reason why Socrates said that one's most valuable possession is a true and faithful friend. And I’m not interested, at all, not a farthing's worth, in some shallow and self-serving “meet me in the middle” sophism, some stingy counting-out-the-pennies “50-50” negotiation. I can get that in any mercenary business deal. What do I look like, the Teamsters haggling out some contract? - hardly, my dear. There'll be no bargaining with me, I'll tell you that right now. I want it lavish, lavish for me, all on my side. I want it splurged, overflowing, and dripping. I want it sloppy and juicy and all-you-can-eat at the dessert bar. What I want is someone who'll give me 100% of his life, 100% of his best, 100% of his plans and projects, all that he has, all that he is, all that he will ever be, in this world and the next. I don't want much from him, I just want everything, and I want it with a cherry on top, and a chocolate kiss on my pillow, and I want him to surrender all this, to me, just to me, willingly and with joy, with no strings attached. And I want him to shout it from the rooftops, for all the world to hear, that he is mine, all mine, that he wants me, just me, with no reservations and no loopholes. I want him to worship and adore me, to bend the neck and pay tribute, to offer fealty and obeisance - to want me more than his last breath, to cherish and treasure me as his 'pearl of great price'. I want him to want me to such degree that, if my love were all that he had in life, or would ever have in eternal life, he would pledge to God, “It is enough, who could ask for, or receive, anything more?” And when I find that special one, thus moved to action, consecrated to my benefit, for my account, then, I will offer him, not just the same but more - a Kama-Sutra reciprocity of personalized pleasures reified; a swooning array of ecstasies, just what he likes; a plenitude of unspoken desires actualized, what he didn't even know he liked - all crafted to address his unique definitions of the luscious and delicious, his unconfessed dreams and secret fantasies; all these, my goddess gifts to him, my surrendered tokens of absolute allegiance, devotion, and ardency, for our total immersion darling companionship. But our conversation here occurred some time ago.
There’s an old proverb warning of the fragile nature of one's reputation. 'said you had a thing or two to tell me, how was I to know you would upset me' One can lose a good reputation, another’s sense of trust in you – what may have taken 30 years, 50 years, to build – one can lose all this in just five minutes with one vicious attack, or even one equivocal lukewarm response; or, much worse, an untoward giving of oneself to another.. The true love relationship, at the foundational level, is not built on sex appeal but trust. You can get sex anywhere; go to any bar, you can get it tonight. But trust, the kind you can build your life around, will cost a few dollars more. What we really want to know is, “Can I trust you to safeguard my life, and not use me for some secondary purpose? Can I trust you to put me number one above all other goals and pleasures in your life?” Stated differently: Is each "enough" for the other? - or are there false idols competing with true love? true love and trust will reflect one's essential life-force One's worthiness of trust will reflect one's essential life-force, part of the "true self". It cannot be constructed or generated with willpower or determination; instead, it must be allowed to manifest and actualize. Genuine trustworthiness is a form of authentic goodness which naturally flows, percolates upward, from the depths, when one's deeper person is aligned with the God-life within. We are headed for Summerland. They say that true love cannot be unrequited there; that those who are meant for each other always find each other. Why do I doubt this? I doubt this because you betrayed me. You gave yourself to another.
late-night confessions: the 3 AM spectre If Krissi were here, I would address her this way: I imagine you trying to offer explanation. I think you'd be saying you were too conflicted, too burdened, too drained of energy, to offer word of apology or explanation; even just a word asking me to wait until duties were satisfied, or the coming of a new world - that one good word, the one you never sent, might have sustained me. Despite your purported inner conflict, however, you did, in fact, find enough energy, were quite able and resourceful, to get a message through which vilified and disrespected me. You were strong enough for that. Remember the creeds we learned as kids? the words that went over our heads, the "sins of omission" - but now we know what this means. spectacular unkindness, outrageous accusation Though long ago, the open wounds from that famous spectacular unkindness - you know the one - still refuse healing; the outrageous accusation and threat continue to dishearten and poison at 3 AM; the ghastly memory of calumny still drains chilled blood from the head and serves as greatest temptation toward resentment and unforgiveness. What is wrong with you? 'oh, yes, you told me, and that's when it hurt me' stockholm syndrome You enable those who exploit you. In your own stockholm syndrome, you side with ignoble captors -- these candidates for dark-realm sentencing, carnival hawkers of buffoonery, deceit, and abuse. You strengthen their hands. your Faustian bargain, an odd coalition with everything you always hated, and so not like you A Faustian bargain is an agreement, such that, one surrenders what one knows to be moral and right, a bartering away of one’s soul-based highest principles, in favor of some dubious short-term worldly benefit. This ill-advised assent - to what you disdain - quickly became self-defeating as the traded-away wealth constituted far more value than the negotiated-for glass bauble. It is the proverbial Esau allowing himself to be cajoled into exchanging future inheritance and wealth, a lifetime of happiness and well-being, for a mere bowl of soup.
You believed you needed something; as you saw it, you weren't whole without it, couldn't be happy in its absence. It was like the “Rhythm Of The Rain” song, “the only girl I ever loved has gone away, looking for a brand new start.” That "brand new start" became the greatest error and misery of your life. In defiance of your deeper guidance and good sense, you traded your dignity and freedom, your right to self-management -- for the soup-of-the-day -- needs a little salt, doesn't taste right.
Esau Selling His Birthright (1626), Hendrick Terbrugghen
'bought and sold you' - the fall of the good little girl What was your Faustian "benefit"? What did you trade me for? those trading negotiations conducted in opposition to the inner-whispering assurance that, one day, we, you and I, would finally address unfinished business. Did you believe that a studied docility, a muting of sensibilities, the adoption of a “good little girl” obeisance, would curry favor with an unjust, humorless, and angry god? Did they convince you that this straw-god would condemn you for noncompliance concerning their draconian, self-serving, man-made dogma? Is this how they controlled and enslaved you, bought and sold you? – and made you stay -- with their psychological warfare of guilt and intimidation. all that I knew you to be, thought well of, and admired so much And how utterly anomalous that you, especially you, should make alliance with the boorish and vulgar, the cloddish paint-by-numbers anti-intellectual rabble -- you, the diligent and assiduous honor student, paragon of high standard and lofty aspiration; you, the personification of excellent spirit; and how antithetical to your sensitive nature, one of grace, loveliness, and virtue -- all that I knew you to be and admired so much -- you, the quintessential aesthete, patron of all things cultivated and refined, les beaux arts. advanced by your own calculated but deluded assent Your odd-bedfellow confederation with lowbrow element stands as the greatest misjudgment, the greatest misstep, of your misguided life, proximate cause to your life's ruin and undoing -- decades of soul-numbing misery -- crafted by your own hand, advanced by your own calculated but deluded assent. What is wrong with you?
newfound boldness You were scrupulous and conscientious not to offend your philistine oppressors; but disdaining toward what I might think. You were bold, felt free, to sin against me - moreover, not just me but, the far greater sin, a denial of what we, in potentia, are to each other. already existing in potentia
Yours was not so much a boldness but an empty bravado, devolving to cavalier disavowal and self-deception; as if the future would require no accounting of inner truths perceived; as if what you allowed, with him, and with them, represented primary reality and were dispositive to destiny; as if there would be no day of reckoning, as if you would not need to explain yourself, and face me, one day. You betrayed me. You gave yourself to another.
There is a coming day of judgment – not the religious fairytale judgment before an angry god – but a day of judgment for those who share an eternal soul-bond and joint-destiny. And what will you say for yourself on that day when machinations of the heart are laid bare? a prison for the mind Those with whom you make pact, among the crude and crass, the worldly craven and knavish, are headed for time in a "dark closet"; but you conduct yourself as if God would commend their goonish and sordid tactics, requiring you to honor and obey whatever they say.
Morpheus used the phrase "a prison for the mind." Right now, fearful and guilt-ridden, you are held captive in your own prison-Matrix, the dungeon of terrorized perceptions, chained to narrow and errant concepts of how life works, a torture-chamber of tyrannical peer-group definitions of morality.
take the red pill Why didn't you take the red pill as your life's direction? Why didn’t you devote yourself to discovering the truth and what’s real? - instead of hell-bent surrendering to “the white picket fence." What is wrong with you? How did you become an indentured cultist, now mindlessly clinging to worn-out and tired propaganda concepts -- widely known today, with even a modicum of research, to be perversions of historical reality, mere disinformation campaign and fake-news, blatant fear-and-guilt control tactics, by a rogue and despotic organization. Why didn't you live your life for the truth? What is wrong with you? The institution you support is a corrupt and power-mongering entity of the world. It has a long history of psychological oppression, murderous activity, and sexual exploitation. Everything they teach has a smell to it. And if one transitions to the other side believing their "holy" doctrines to be wonderful, one could land in a "cult deprogramming" clinic or even earn accommodation in dark detention. With a little investigation, one could have known these things. Why don't you know them? Why are you so uninformed, so gullible and easily led? Why can't you stand up for what is right? - or at least for yourself? Will you never grow up? When will you stop being the servile and serf-like, unthinking and acquiescing, good-little-girl? What is wrong with you? Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment: “Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.”
'I feel so guilty' Do you remember when you said this to me? I feel so guilty, you exclaimed. They had battered you psychologicaIly, but yet, I could tell, in your heart-of-hearts, you were not deceived. You knew what they were doing to you, these merchants of fear and guilt. Even so, you could not walk away. You still needed an external approval - still too much the obeisant "good little girl." the social conditioning of the tribe, the mind-virus of the clan, the html-programming of local nomos Krishnamurti warned that "people can be conditioned to believe anything." The belief-systems of nearly every unenlightened person represent geography, where one was born, one's family, community, native group; mere provincial moralities, the mind-virus of the clan, local nomos, as described by Herodotus. Are we to be impressed by this formulaic and robotic true believer-ism? - these empty beliefs, fear-based superstitions of the tribe, masquerading as cosmic truth, within a credulous and frothing assemblage of misled and duped minions. But you went along with this perversion of what's real and, worse, allowed it as foundation for your life. You chose appearance over substance. And then you were surprised at how quickly your bargained-for "white picket fence" sank into a nightmare world. Have you no foresight, no internal radar, no good sense at all? What is wrong with you? You say you didn't know; yes, but you could have known, you didn't devote yourself to knowing and finding the truth. Not knowing, when you could have known, is gross negligence. In tort law it's called "the reasonable man" rule; it's what the reasonable man ought to have known and done -- and closing one's eyes is not a defense, and, therefore, natural law, and your own higher self, will hold you accountable. What is wrong with you?
postured authority And so you were hoodwinked to set aside rational faculties and sacred responsibility to live as a free and whole person. You surrendered all this to vulgar mountebanks. They promised you "beads and trinkets", pacifying your weakness of needing to be accepted, a fear of being left on the shelf and unwanted, a dread of never finding the happiness of "the white picket fence." These vile and base ones, in alliance, postured an authority over your life, but, in fact, had absolutely none. A victim of local nomos, you entered into agreement with them during your time of fearful immaturity, when you lacked knowledge, of yourself, the world, destiny, and natural law; and so you could not defend against their offer of "poisoned candy," what you viewed as your last ticket to the good life. All of which distilled to your greatest sin: you betrayed "us," betrayed your own inner whispering voice of guidance, and you betrayed me. You gave yourself to someone else, and justified it by lying to yourself that I had rejected you. Later, in your growing misery, though beginning to realize your error, you still could not break free. Commanding strict obedience, they chained you with an oppressive sense of guilt, a constant browbeating, intimating that you are unworthy - declaring that a wrathful god would be displeased, quick to eternally punish, should you consider defying them to wander off the plantation; that, you did not have the right to think for yourself, to insist on yourself and your own inner-guidance. Why did you put up with this? Why didn’t you walk away and save yourself? What is wrong with you? Why are you so disdainful of the coming “real world”? - one missed heartbeat away? Why isn't that more real to you as guide to your life?
you were the first to know All this psychological warfare, succeeded in making you too deferential, too subservient, too intimidated to do what is right, even though your deepest heart informed you of the reality, even though you well knew - because you were the first to know - that we belong to each other; no, you did not forget but would not speak. girls mature faster, but dull boys have a habit of growing up and seeing everything I feel angry and disgusted. I had come to believe, wanted to believe, that someday after we’d learned our dire lessons, had suffered enough; after we’d tried everything else and betrayal had run its course; that we would find our way back to, and repent toward, each other; that I -- the boy you once approached to announce your love, the boy who finally realized that he had loved you all along and from the beginning -- that I would be “enough” for you.
'I didn't realize, when I looked in your eyes' Yes, I feel angry and disgusted - because I want to be with you; even more, I want you. Angry and disgusted, mainly toward myself, because, in those early years, I did not speak, was half-baked and immature, not ready, but now I see what's real - however, we've switched roles, and now you're not ready. You and I have always been out of phase. Lawyers draw distinction between intent and motive. For example, I walk across a room because I intend to, but this reveals nothing about motive, why I want to cross the room. And with you, you forthrightly intended to hurt me; of this there is no doubt. What’s not clear is why you did this. If your vituperation issued from cognitive impairment, then a lack of capacity, an insanity defense, might apply. However, why do I doubt this? I’d always known you to be clear-eyed, and now to make excuses for you, in terms of mental dysfunction, doesn’t seem to fit.
I do expect the worst... because that's the way it's always been with us, and I can hardly imagine anything changing, because...
baby, you were so bad paradise lost Until I am "enough" for you as you are for me; until I know that you would chose me above all other options as I choose you; until our goals in life merge in substantial confluence; until you want me as I want you; until you speak plainly to me, offering an accounting of your actions, as I will offer the same to you; until mutual trust becomes the air we breathe -- any future for us is doubtful. All this is correct; however, I am still left with a poisonous feeling in my spirit. You betrayed me. You gave yourself to another, and not even a good man. And how can I forgive you for this, or even want to see you again? How can I trust you again? This question causes me to stumble.
'please remember how I feel about you' postscript I've been learning more about bipolar disorder. The pendulum swing from high to low coherency can be more extreme than I'd known. As I come to better understand this severe dynamic, I find myself less condemning; even so, to be honest, I still have trouble accepting the "insanity defense" concerning your actions. Some things don't add up. In your favor, however, during a psychic reading, a competent medium reported that she was accessing the truest sentiments of your higher self. Is this plausible? Can a "higher self" send a message? We're reminded of the case of Adela and Eddie: His plane was lost at sea during time of war, and, it was later learned, they had, in fact, communicated via the "higher self." You as this higher self, this “better angel" of your nature, I was informed by the medium, does care for me "deeply" -- stated twice -- and is apologizing for past hurtful conduct; that, essentially, the unfair personal attack was the illness speaking. You said that your conduct did not represent how you really feel, that you could not control your actions. distorted perception If this is true, then my previous comments must be reconsidered. Your life-long condition, growing worse in latter years, resulted in distorted perception, caused you to make some very bad judgments. And I was speaking to another psychic-medium. She's well known with thousands of clients and engaged in police detective work solving criminal cases. She was granted a vision from Guides of what happened to us early on. perky and light-hearted She accurately described your normal, expressive, and light-hearted nature; when you're feeling well and free, your natural perky and playful exuberance. She, along with the first medium, saw some of the trouble you’re in, including the oppression you now suffer by others. She asked if I were aware of this. I said I was aware. She unequivocally asserted that we are Twin Souls. I said I knew this. She said “I’m seeing marriage all over this” for you two; however, she also indicated, it would still be a while. I understood this, as well. She also stated that your time of oppression is finally nearing its end. Concerning our history, I told the lady that, early on, you were the proactive one, coming to me, wanting to tell me, but I was too immature to understand what you were saying. I was just a young boy, but you were ahead, as girls tend to be in these matters. I then added, "we've switched roles," as now I'm the more forthcoming one, and, as it took me most of my life to grow up, I intend to lead this now. The psychic lady commented, yes, "you've passed her now."
'do you remember' It's been many years now, the number shocks, but you once asked me, "do you remember when I told you..." -- yes -- I remember, but I was surprised it was still on your mind after so long a time; I remember, because... in my life... I remember little else. And do you remember when you said, "Let's not lose each other again", and then, "I want to have a glass of wine with you."
And then, later, finally, I told you, I wrote to you, that I was getting off the merry-go-round of swirling life circumstance, and that, when you were ready, you could find me, and I would be there, waiting alone for you. I offered this pledge unilaterally, knowing that no immediate benefit would be forthcoming - just as you once offered a one-sided presentation, words of love, to an unformed and ill-prepared young boy, so many decades ago now.
With some awe and reverence, the psychic-detective, having counseled thousands of clients, confessed that she found our story “very compelling”. our story, unique among thousands Among these thousands, she’d never seen so many roadblocks and barriers to love, and over such a long period of time. this is not how we wanted to be famous Like a farcical dream in which nothing could be made to go right; of two, always out of phase with each other, and having lost each other so early, then spending much of a whole lifetime wishing to get back to each other. 'the blossom, withered, in its bloom' Our embryonic interactions, more than other compelling love stories, speak to Dickens' doleful poetic imagery: "tenderest recollections of the blossom that had withered in its bloom." The medium said she'd counseled thousands of clients concerning lost love, and she wished our story were written down to give to others, to inform that great patience and fortitude is often required to bring authentic relationship to maturity. 'you never talk about this, but time is on your side' And there were other messages via other psychic-mediums, to whom I gave no detail of our situation, but immediately there was an accessing of the essence of that which burdens me. The counsel was offered, “there’s a hidden part of you that you never talk about, but,” you are given to know, “time is on your side." 'even if she's 90, in a nursing home' And that, while “your years of being apart are not yet over,” the Guides understand that “you would wait for her, even if she’s 90, in a nursing home”; and, in truth, much longer than that; heaven witnesses the solitary confinement, the lonely room and, though, for a long time - like an endless solitary confinement, that lonely room in Solomon Burke's song - the psychic lady acknowledged, I've lived alone and refused others, with the Guides well aware that I am “in a committed relationship”. And another psychic message: You wanted me to know that you realize you need to come back to me, but you don't know how. one more end-note I’m adding this several months after recording the above. Much of it was repetitious and spoken in anger. I’ve deleted large sections. Now, replaced with something repetitious and spoken in anger. How do I feel about our prospects now? On bad days I'm offline. If I see your photo, I want to draw back. And I ask myself: Are we going to start again sometime, in a new world? Do I even want to? It depends when you ask. Shall I act as your defense attorney? You might say this when we meet: she may have looked like me, but... “Elenchus, I don’t blame you for being furious. I know you love me, or once did, and that's why it feels like a betrayal. 'Constructive assent' ought to have been my guide, and flouting it created culpability. You go back and forth on the question, can you ever forgive me? You're not sure. But allow me to say, you have no idea how dismayed I am, with myself. Please try to realize I was a different person then. It wasn't the real me. Not only was I immature, but my brain was not working properly, my judgment was skewed. I would never do those things again. I don’t think that way anymore; in my heart of hearts, I never did. Heaven has acknowledged that, despite all that happened, and all that didn't, ‘you are in a committed relationship.’ I know it’s been very one-sided so far, has caused you endless depression, as you've waited alone, even for decades now. But heaven also informed you that 'time is on your side.’ Elenchus, I did not have the inner reserves to free myself from the misery I created. I know you wanted me to do this, but I could not break away. If you could know my truest heart, you would see that I was also waiting to be with you. Dearest friend, my head wasn’t working, and we never had a real chance back then.” I want to believe this is true. It's difficult for me. I need to hear your own voice explaining. insanity defense Mitigating a charge of blame would be cognitive disability, indicating lack of capacity concerning sound judgment. This impairment defense would wipe the slate clean; meaning, the real you did not intend to cause me harm. But I’m not sure if I can accept the “insanity defense.” In that psychic message I received from you, if it was from you, you said you couldn’t control your actions. I have trouble with this because you’ve accomplished high goals, have demonstrated a good level of competence in your professional life. How can I take as legitimate a claim that you could not maintain yourself? but you never sent word And even if you had a momentary lapse resulting in viciousness, you had years to send a mea-culpa message of explanation. But never a word from you. But, it's worse than this. You actually did, in fact, find inner resource to send a message viciously attacking. You were competent enough, in control enough, to do that. How can I deal with this and take you seriously? you need a very good lawyer Does the word "lawyer" bring to mind anything? - something you ought to regret and feel ashamed about? But I remember - because classic insults live a long time. That last incident of hate speech, especially, the aftermath, what you accused me of, so outrageous, that I would be embarrassed – embarrassed for you – to repeat what you said. selective sanity What bothers me most is your selective craziness. You’re fine in many situations, but when it comes to me you become this vicious hateful person. I don’t understand how a girl of excellence and highest ideals, what you were early on, can transform into someone I don’t even know. confirmation hearings I once said that, if you're willing, we should have a session of "confirmation hearings," an opportunity for each of us to ask frank and direct questions about anything that happened, anything that bothers us. But, I'm not sure if I want to do this anymore. I can't envision anything you might say that could atone for the venomous hate speech. How could I be with a girl who'd act this way? - bi-polar or not. I said that i might say some things in anger. But I don't feel angry so much anymore. It's like when couples reach a stage where they don't fight anymore, it takes too much energy too fight, and it doesn't feel worth it. That's when they're done. **************************** I'm writing this in the middle of the night. Found myself overcome with images of your betrayals, going all the way back to high school. I see what happened, how you changed, your disrespect, and now my anger rises volcano-like. I don't feel compelled to see you again. In that psychic message I received from you, if it was from you, you said you didn't mean to hurt me, that you were sorry. I wish I could accept this. I have trouble trusting you. How could you ever become that loving and gentle good girl I need to be with, that "soft voice that comes at night"? I need a girl who radiates love and warmth, who glows with goodness and kindness. I need her to be the "face of God" for me. How could you ever be this? I don't see this as even being possible. I knew a girl like this, one who glows with goodness, a very intelligent and capable girl. She spoke to me so long ago, when I was ten, she was eight. I was too young and stupid to appreciate her radiant inner beauty, but I've never forgotten her. I realize now she was the glowing "face of God" to me. I plan on finding her. In my life, very early on, it could be said that there were two girls who came to me. I believe that I failed to focus on the one more suitable to who I am. As a side note, just now I'm reminded of the story of the two eight year-old missionary kids who pledged marriage, and later made good on it.
mind virus For most of your life, I think you’ve been around people and institutions who have put you down and said you’re unworthy. Despite your natural buoyancy and confidence, this psychological warfare has burdened you, caused a measure of self-loathing. You suffer from a floating sense of “non-specific guilt” and have accepted their mind-virus of “I’m no good.” And now here I come, after all these years, back from the dead, finally mature enough to tell you that I love you, that I will help you to be happy, that I will honor you as a person and make things right for you – but your first reaction is to shrink back. It makes you angry. You feel you don't deserve to be loved, and so you attack the messenger. pleasant fiction What do I think will happen for us in Summerland? I’m not expecting much when I arrive. I think I'll be starting my service work alone. I'm not expecting to have a girl's love. I see myself setting up my life, doing everything, by myself. And maybe Mary's worry, the aftermath of betraying Kahlil, is happening to us. Maybe you'll be a different person if we meet. Maybe with your new astral body you’ll not be angry, will have matured, and actually want to be with me. It is a pleasant fiction. But even if you do, I'm not sure if I want to. I'm not sure you could ever glow as the "face of God" for me. life's work My often-doubt extends to your taking part in my life's work. I plan to prepare for difficult, possibly dangerous, rescue work -- helping those who writhe in abject misery, cannot help themselves, the criminally insane, who've given up all hope for a good life. This rescue work will take me to bad neighborhoods, "sewer pits" and "rat cellars", foul-smelling dark places most people in Summerland never go to, or even know exist. I can't see you willing to serve in this way.
Special note: It’s difficult for me to convey the outsized impact on my spirit, June Allyson’s adamant assertion, “as long as I can be with you” and “if you go, then we both go.” How I'd like to be with a girl who thinks this way. I must really want this a lot; even I am taken aback at how much. full partner In one of our discussions I said I didn't need to marry a "missionary girl," but, as I think about it more, I think a "missionary girl" is exactly who I want to be with; someone who glows with kindness and goodness. I'd want her as full partner in my rescue work. I need her to be the radiant "face of God" not just to me but to all those whom we will rescue.
vast ruin I stand breathless to see how you've ruined your own life, your lack of wisdom and impetuousness causing destruction and misery - your willful insolence and Faustian bargains, your foolishness coupled with audacity. You were a menace, sometimes to me, but mainly, by far, to yourself. My difficulty is that I now associate you with coldness and poisonous feeling. touching foreheads and the 'soft voice coming at night' In my old age, do you want to know what I really want? A young man thinks he wants a lot of sex, a lot of bodily contact. But that’s not nearly as important to me as something else. Elsewhere, I've referred to “touching foreheads,” symbolizing a “union of spirits.” In that writing, there are several photos from a movie featuring a Captain Blocker and Rosalee Quaid who, I think, perfectly represent this ideal. It represents a sacred meeting of the minds, a different kind of eroticism, a profound intimacy, of very high grade. This is what I really want. It is the true antidote to aloneness. Two spirits as one.
the movie Hostiles (2017), Rosamund Pike and Christian Bale I have trouble imagining you in this dazzling-darkness way. Your outward beauty is more than stellar, but that can be an empty thing and has never kept a couple in thrall for very long. I have trouble imagining you as tenderly wanting me, that soft voice which comes at night. After you rejected my letter, I enjoy no license to approach you again. I do not feel at liberty to seek for you. And now I feel no compulsion to do so. *************************** Once again, having awakened from sleep at 4 AM, I was given a small measure of clarity about us. I see something more vividly than before. An underlying soul bond (SB) is different from a meeting of the minds (MM). Rosalee and Joe shared the intense intimacy of MM as expressed in touching foreheads. We’ve never had that, it’s difficult even imagining sharing that with you. We do have some sort of SB. It’s the source of many shared mystical experiences going back to childhood. I say “some sort” because I think it’s possible for soulmates – of whom there could be several, girls and guys, but falling short of the unique Twin Soul union – it's possible for soulmates to experiences various degrees of mystical interaction due to a SB connection. All soulmates have the potential for close relationship, but not all soul mates are suitable for marriage. Only Twin Souls, that special subset of soul mates, would be happy in the married state. It’s clear to me now that a couple needs that MM. It’s well portrayed by June Allyson’s character, “I don’t care what you do for work, as long as I can be with you.” We’ve never had that. love is not enough Just because two might think they love each other doesn’t mean they should marry. John and Mary, to their relational perdition, do not understand this. I have known several very fine girls in my life, for whom a sense of love was easy to achieve, but I came to see that I was not to marry any of them. Is it not strange that love is not enough? But, as we’ve learned, love is not the highest virtue, a harmonious oneness is. None of the SB we knew was sufficiently potent to rise to the level of the MM. We've never had that. There was never a thought, on your part, of “I just want to be with you.” And this is why, I think, you so easily left my company back then - over absolutely nothing - and refused to come back; left me, before we'd even started, before an immature young boy even realized you'd rejected me. But maybe it doesn't matter anymore.
Does this mean anything for us? We might be soulmates, but not meant to marry. I see some things differently now, some new perceptions which modify certain aspects of Twin love which, for many years, I'd accepted as gospel. I have my doubts now that we're Twins. We've never had even one real conversation; never really wanted to. That's not a good sign. One of the big tests of true love is "the great relief of having you to talk to." This has never been important to you. What happened to us? Something happened. We've had too many mystical experiences evincing some sort of hidden bond. I think we’re soulmates, but not Twins. As such, we’ve been privy to certain echoes, glimpses, or transitory representations of the real thing. This has caused, at least for me, much confusion. But I discern no steady state “rest to the soul” with us; quite the opposite actually. This steady stream “rest” is the sine qua non, the truest indicator, I think, of Twinship. We've never had it. This means you are meant for someone else. We’re not destined to marry. I wish you well in your quest for happiness. an eagerness to live I am very eager now to start my real life. So many things I can hardly wait to get at - no more living in isolation for me. I will make up for the "lost, wilderness" years here on Earth. I want a really smart girl, capable and virtuous; a girl who desires to serve and find the truth, wants me as eternal life partner, to do everything together, to talk about everything; and mainly, I want a girl who radiates love and warmth, glows with kindness and goodness - a girl who can reveal the hidden "face of God" to me. I think I know who she is. I'll have to confirm. But that steady-state "rest" gives her away.
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